And that's the hardest part

I have only returned from a lovely vacation week at the seaside to see that nothing has changed. We were happy to enjoy very sunny weather and could swim a lot, and there is internal energy enough now as to appease the dumb feeling that comes with autumn (more work, more deadlines etc, for a workaholic the true juice of life - ?!).

Highlights of the holidays were, among others, reading Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote, seeing "Love lasts for three years" (and disagreeing with it), rowing a canoe to the old shipwreck, trying the Bulgarian cucumber soup and getting burned in a one-piece bathing suit in the sun. There were some ideas that came up at the seaside, which I will share with you later.

The most interesting still was what I found when I came back from holidays (in which I had made some unfortunate attempts to connect to my office server). Not sufficing my proud ownership of more than one mobile phone, my employer decided to have me permanently connected to the office email. He thus invested in a device clever enough as to notify me of any new emails arriving in the inbox, besides featuring Internet, Bluetooth, calls and the rest. So I am officially a BlackBerry-holic (for the good it may bring).

Someday I swear I’ll go back to launching smoke signals.

PS1: Next weekend is a jolly one, with the fourth Stufstock coming up. Meet you there :-)

PS2: The Placebo concert left me disappointed, with a continuous brainsmashing punk sound that didn's come close to what I had listened before and a bored-depressed Brian Molko whose tendency was rather to fight the mic than to sing something into it. Remains the voice and the presence, questionable in motives.

And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said "I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it"
And I said "Well, that's the one thing we've got"

(Deep Blue Something, Breakfast at Tiffany's)

It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love

Tonight I went to a movie with one of my oldest and best friends here in Bucharest. The movie for the evening was The Break-Up. It was a good choice for a variety of reasons, especially since my friend had broken up with her 4-year boyfriend some time ago. Except for the fact that American men (hm… only them? :-)) need to be fancy, art-needs-to-be explained-to millionaires to even get close to looking acceptable and men in general only get to cooking when things get serious (read: breakup is close), my takeaway was that when things do come to an end, it’s more courageous to take another step and another step, till there is another path that opens up in front of you. Although clinging to the past and crying about your loss might sound enticing, taking care of yourself, looking good and taking in another deep breath of life might prove to be a much better idea.

There was a declaration my friends and I once hung up on our board room’s wall: “We believe in the dignity of the individual and live our lives as we see fit.” It was so good having the feeling all four of us are still living that. And here’s to you, girls! :-)

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call
she wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

(Robbie Wiliams, Angels)

Let me tell you of my need to reach the sky

After some weeks in which I only arrived home to eat and eventually sleep, I have finally returned to a state of higher grace in which I have started to view my room as an organic part of myself (like a snail’s home, but metaphorically different). There are some changes I have in mind – moving some furniture around, framing some pictures and putting them on the walls, painting the window frames, all in all making some changes that are meant to make my organic room feel as enthusiastic as I am about the recent changes in my own life.

Speaking of which, I went swimming two days ago and met a friend whom I hadn't seen in quite a long time. It was quite disturbing to try to answer his question "What have you been up to lately?", as I was not really up to anything but work, some reading (Dune first series), only two movies (Hearts in Atlantis and Dune), a bowling session with the team, two days in Sibiu and that kind of says it all. However, by taking up swimming again and starting to visit friends, I hope to boost anew my connection with life.

Cheers!

Let me tell you 'bout my life,

Let me tell you 'bout my dreams,

Let me tell you 'bout the things that happen, all is real to me.

Let me tell you of my hope, of my need to reach the sky,

Let me take you on an awkward journey, let me tell you why.

Let me tell you why

(Iron Maiden, The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg)

A friend in need's a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better

Somebody once sang in my ear, in a crowded place, "Every me... and every you" in a silent voice, whispering a breath of his soul, and looked at me with eyes meant to make me remember, after years, that it was indeed only me and him back then. Regardless of the people around us and cut away from time, we were alone for a fraction of time.

I will remember that on the 13th August, when Placebo will be concerting at the Arenele Romane. Go for tickets here.

Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.

I’m in the basement, you’re in the sky,
I’m in the basement baby, drop on by.

(Placebo, English Summer Rain)

Hable con ella - Talk to them

They say a man is a two-face, who shows sharp teeth at work and then plays angel back home (most women are the same, by the way). In cutting my way through the corporate jungle, I’ve experienced many people who showed one face at work and a completely different one at leisure or under different circumstances. In my (at first) inexperienced mind, there was at first confusion about which face one should work with when deciding on a way to handle that specific person. The secret lies in tuning yourself to the situation and the person, reflecting their attitudes and gestures and (most especially) their words.

Have you ever noticed how your colleagues, parents and friends react when you answer them by using the same words they use? The feedback comes in a friendly tone of voice; a verbal conflict is less likely to arise. People tend to see themselves in others and the sense of foreign scares them and makes them uncomfortable (that’s stopping short of saying aggressive).

There are some communication experts who will never let you see their true face, and there are people lost in translation, who will tell you everything you may want to hear and then get lost in their own mis-understandings. Let the person in front of you be your guide, dip into their emotions and you will find the way to getting past their alternative faces and unmasking their true self.

When you’re here
every thought I ever had becomes clear
But when you’re far the only light I ever see is the Stars
And when you go, the feelings burn as they grow
Cause to me, to me you’re Beautiful
(Reamonn - Josephine)

Give me endless summers - Lord I feel the cold

Have you ever lost a lover, a friend or parts of your family – not through sudden death, but by slowly becoming strangers? Have you ever felt how much you have hurt someone by not being there when they needed you? The pain only comes long afterwards, when you feel their dear presence not any longer near, like a blank inside you that will never be covered by anything.

It all starts with small refusals to go someplace together - because of lack of time we always say (and know that there is more to it) - that damp getting-used-to pattern we know, that shallow i-do-not-need-more feeling, commodity to do anything else than the daily routine and a strong conviction that those who are near will forgive our smallish thinking and their dismissal. They do, indeed, but even the most patient cannot feed their picture of you only from memories.

After some time, when you realize that work is not all there is, and only calling your dear ones from time to time is not a solution, you want to go back and reconnect. But time can seldom be lived simultaneously by human beings. There is awkwardness around these meetings, unless the connection is stronger and not outlived. There is that feeling nothing new can be said, although so many things have happened in the mean time and there are worlds to share. You often find you’ve forgotten the words to their heart. That cold look they bestow on you, seemingly asking why you haven’t dropped a line for long, can only be surpassed by getting back in touch and regaining faith in the relationship. Some of us often do this when it is too late.

After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Toombs
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round
Of Ground, or Air, or
Ought A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone

This is the Hour of Lead
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow
First-Chill-then Stupor-then the letting go

(Emily Dickinson, After great pain, a formal feeling comes)

Don't you think?

Lying to ourselves efficiently is the one thing every one of us can learn beyond perfection. I already wrote about the world we build for ourselves, in thinking that we alone can know, that we alone can live, dream and build edifices of lust and what we are so used to calling “performance” and “success”. In flying so high and in aiming to worlds beyond belief, we forget about ourselves, forget where we left off and what we really used to be like.

There is in each of us a real picture of ourselves and the way we are. Each one of us has but the amazing power to paint another picture, as close as possible to what one would like to be regarded upon. This creates a world of masks, through which only the bravest can still see the real face. All others either get lost or become somebody else – without even noticing it.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
(Alanis Morisette, Ironic)