Very personal: awguri and happy returns!

So it really is true: giving is more fun than receiving. I found that out during the past days, in Bucharest, then over the Maltese Christmas. It really feels so good to give something from all your heart, and expect no more than a smile in return, a laughter and maybe some small talk, some chatter meaning nothing but being there and having a good time together. The little happenings of life that matter are the ones that keep you going – a free bus ride into the unknown, watching the sea at midday, the painting of a wooden house, the joy of a loved one, a phone call from a friend getting the interview of his life, colours around your neck, a short kiss on the lips, admiring somebody's earrings... These are the ones you remember. It is them that make your life beautiful, friends and family and dear ones, the ones you feel warm with – the ones you feel home with.

The end of this year catches me in a sunny and quiet mood – as if all the troubles of this year were past me, in a place where they cannot reach me any more – in my mind all is peaceful, waiting for bliss. I wish you a blessed New Year!

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share
(Red Hot Chilli Peppers, I Could Die For You)

I'll call off the search and just wear the boots

The high heels remained a mystery for me for the past ten years or so, because of my sensitive ankles. After managing to sprain them about seven to eight times a year, it was concluded that wearing high heels was not ideal for my further development, so I switched to trainers, snickers and various other forms of sports equipment. This allowed most of my friends to identify me with a half-blood boy at the best (my way of communicating played a sensitively important part in that). It was me, of course, who invented the famous tagline “I need to wear comfortable shoes” – and adapted it consequently to my comfortable personality, not complicating the life of my delicate ankles and ignoring the mainstream preference of shorter girls to reach other’s noses by wearing higher heels.

Not much changed since then, don't worry :) it’s only that I got myself a pair of high heeled boots during the autumnal change process described in the blog. And guess what: my glory did not fall off, my personality was not threatened and even the noses I managed to reach proved to actually be higher. All in all, wearing heels made me feel less insecure that I might injure my legs than I had originally pictured it, and maybe a bit less of a snickers teenager…

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
(Nancy Sinatra, These Boots Are Made for Walkin')

Nosetip electrified

The time before Christmas must be the loveliest part of the year. Two days ago, as we had a project meeting (a very serious one on top of it!), we heard some bells on the corridor, and then a real, white-bearded and red-and-white-dressed Santa Claus came in, just like I remembered him from my childhood. A wave of joy and hope overwhelmed me, as he gave way to some of the funniest wishes I have ever heard a Santa utter (such as: “May your garage contain a Mercedes and may you finish construction work on your villa earlier than planned!”). It felt like home, and like those glorious times when I was little, and everything was possible.

What I feel and would like to wish you too, is that all wishes come true this Christmas.

So I sing for you
Though you cant hear me
When I get trough
And feel you near me
I am driving home for christmas
Driving home for christmas
With a thousand memories
(Chris Rea, Driving Home for Christmas)

Microbes and bicycles

The body senses when you lose something or someone you drew energy from. I just caught a cold :-)

There are six BILLION people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all
(Katie Melua, Nine Million Bicycles)

Careful with a fragile heart

There are people around me – also ones whoI love and admire – who display a lot of aggression, in different contexts. Sometimes they are corrosively witty about themselves, and apply that extra lot of self-irony in telling stories that makes you wonder if they really feel anything when telling the stories. Some others are harsh in answering simple questions, that somehow threaten their self-esteem, or simply catch them offhand in unpleasant situations. There is a certain category who are brisk when discussing with people they don't like – be it that they really have no consideration for the person in front of them or because she / he has unnerved them; another reason may be personal circumstances which generate anger they cannot control.

I've often asked myself how to handle these people. An approach which works well is to just relax and try to joke about the nasty retortions, and not take them seriously. Getting also mad and reacting violently will not help, unless you can shout louder :) What I am concerned about is what lies behind the unpleasant words they say, behind the apparent domination these linguistic aggressors seem to seek. Is it their own anger and hate they throw on others? Or simply a need to express something else?

Well you said you wished you knew me
You can't have everything
For I knew I wouldn't know you
But I got under your skin
(Texas, Under Your Skin)

Imaginary Fragments

This evening is so peaceful, so quiet. I am listening to music; there was a business presentation to do until now, but the subject was exciting and I lost track of time finishing it. Nothing around me indicates the hour; it seems like a continuum of time, when all stands still, and the pleasure of taste, of smell, persists long after its object has vanished. Maybe it is because I have returned, like many times before, to a self that had been wandering too long.

Where does it come from, though – this passion and warmth that fills me?

Well, you can say what you want
But it wont change my mind
Ill feel the same
About you
(Texas, Say What You Want)

You give yourself away

Sometimes, the troubles of others seem to be the only place you can hide your own sadness. So you dip very deep into them, take a fresh breath and a pair of horse eye glasses and pretend that the world is actually not bad to you, it is so to everybody – which of course always makes you feel better.

There are countless discussions I've had this year, with friends who thought their existence was closely tied to one achievement, to one retorted feeling, to possession or to consummation. Many times I have asked myself the question – what does it all come down to, in the end? Is it really tied together in such a narrow fashion that our own happiness really depends on the kindness and responsivity of others? Blanche DuBois depended on the kindness of strangers – but is that not a misrepresentation? It leads us to a life that does not belong to us, but to the ones who show us kindness. On the other hand, this daily interconnection and that we cannot exist without the others moves us forward, so giving it up would only leave us bare and exposed to winds and coldness.

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?
(Amy Winehouse, Will you still love me tomorrow?)

In other words...

Between doing the right thing and doing what's right, I'd rather do the right thing at the right moment. Does that mean that you are ... or that you behaved ... ? I don't think so. Not following your heart's path is the true mistake.

Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars
(Frank Sinatra, Fly Me To The Moon)

Guess what I found...

I've had a nice weekend, I hope you had one just the same. A friend celebrated his birthday on Friday evening with a student party, where we danced, ate pancakes and drank good Moldavian wine. Saturday was meant for sleeping, and watching the TV series made for “Children of Dune”; it reminded me of a beautiful time in my life, the discovery of “Dune” and of shared loneliness. Together with a friend, I enjoyed a lunch walk through the park and we smothered in the rays of the late autumn sun. Later on, indulging in a big cup of milk coffee, while allowing myself the patience to read, my back rubbed against the warm central heating, inspired me for the work week to come.

Yes, it was a weekend spent for myself, and it was enjoyable because it brought me peace and helped me think less about abstract things, but enjoy the immediate, brought me in touch with a reality I dreamt of so long in my head.

A che serve piangere / What’s the use of crying

Rinunciare a vivere / And denying what you feel

Resta qua se ti va / Stay here if you will

Non pensare abbracciami / But don’t think, just hold me

Lasciami sognare / Let me dream

La tua pelle morbida / Of your velvet skin

Voglio accarezzare / Skin that I yearn to caress

E finchè non avrò / And for as long as

Anche l’anima / You’re unable to give yourself

Io sarò sempre sulla tua scia / I shall never give up trying

Non puoi fuggire / It’s pointless to run away

Perchè sei mia / Because you’re mine

Perchè ti voglio / Because I want you

Perchè mi vuoi / And because you want me

Un mondo si apre / There’s a whole world there for the taking

Intorno a noi / And it’s opening up around us

(Andrea Bocelli, Cantico)

(Lyrics translation courtesy to http://www.abmusica.com/song_index.htm)

Delicious toffee and rain in the car

What I love today: the tip of my nose being electrified when touched with a green smile, the warmth of my friends dancing around me, my toffee body butter that smells wonderful, the birthday of two dear ones.

What I feel sad about: friends going through some unhappy times (like Bob or C), my mother being in hospital, some people close to my office who live in an old Dacia, how things don't always work out my way and that I see old friends more seldom.

Real sugar, I don't wanna climb the walls
Real sugar, that's what I want or none at all
Real sugar, sweet as a sweet can be
Real sugar, that's what I want and what I need
(Roxette, Real Sugar)

I'm loving angels instead

This time before Christmas I feel inspired by the cities I have lived in; it reminds me of countless evenings or nights I have spent walking through places that seemed different in daylight and now revealed forms and dimensions unbelievably alive. I am an admirer of the beauty of pure urban; cities are more enticing when viewed in the light of their lamps, or of the moon, with little of the daily worming of people going on. The solitary evenings I have spent in discovery have been some of the best of my life. So I have found places in Romania, Germany, Austria, Poland, Italy or France which may have escaped my attention in the daily turmoil.

They say that true love’s measure is when you believe that nobody has loved in the same way before us and nobody will love in the same way after us. Well I say that you can only love a city in your own way. Nobody will have seen or see it the same as you do. I have seen them all through the lenses of my camera, through the lenses of night and through the reverential fear I felt when walking alone through unknown streets. It all has deepened my perceptions, and parts of me have thus rubbed into the spirits of the cities, to stay.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
(TS Eliot, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock)

Simplifying myself

Some time ago I read a book called “How I became stupid”. It is a book about a young man who realizes to think is to suffer and frustrates himself on being smart (as he thinks this is the reason why nobody likes him). The ending is funny: after he tries various things to help him become dumber (drinking, getting a job as a broker, trying to commit suicide etc), he finds a girl who is as imaginatively astray as he is and off they ride into the night.

This weekend we were in Sibiu – I told you about this in my last post – and helped with building little houses for the Christmas fair. We also painted them – which took up most of Saturday and of Sunday. Imagine it was great. A bunch of people who do nothing but info gathering, data crunching and corporate emailing all day, all gathered in a place and painting little houses! It was by far the most relaxing weekend I have had in a long time, and I am looking forward to doing that again. Besides, it was fun, as the guys on my team were at their best in joking and telling stories.

Following this past weekend, I've decided that I must be employing much too serious a part of my head to think about completely useless things, so I have started an experiment. I want to see if thinking less will help me be better, calmer, and maybe wiser. The results until now are indeed encouraging – it kind of simplifies things and helps concentrate on the important ones.

I wish for this night-time to last for a life-time
The darkness around me - shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
(Nightwish, Sleeping Sun)

Such a comedienne

I wanted to write about something complicated tonight – about wishes and where they come from and how we ignore all this, as long as they are fulfilled, and how this origin of wishes actually indicates the direction we are headed to.

Instead, I'll just write a bit about sleeping. About how I couldn't find sleep in summer and sometimes cried, my nose buried in the pillow. About how I stay up now, just to catch demons offhand, read some, write some more, and can't fall asleep before 12.00AM. This is all quite paradoxical, because I love to sleep. Above all, I cherish warmth in my bed, which is why I sleep covered in three blankets, at about 23 deg C. Warmth makes my sleep deep and cozy and makes me dream about places that I would like to go to, places I have only visited in my dreams or which I would like to visit. One of these places is definitely my project office, where I already came too late once, the only excuse being my half closed sleepy eyes...

So sleep tight :-) and I'll see you again on Monday or so, on my return from a nice team retreat in Sibiu. We will be building little houses for the traditional Weihnachtsmarkt (link RO) and having fun with the guys on my current project team. Since it all takes place in my home town, you can well imagine that I can't wait to be there. So if you happen to also be in Sibiu over the weekend, feel free to ym me and let's meet.

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we haveisn't good or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
(Scarlet, Independent Lovesong)

The "I Am Not A Feminist" series vol. 1

A few days ago, a dear one told me he'd got himself a new mobile phone. Great, I said, what sort of one? He told me what it was (I have no idea about mobile phones) and I asked: Does it at least look good? So he laughed and said You are such a woman who cares what it looks like it's a technical jewel and it's got GPS and... and... and it does... Aha I said (whatever...)

So here are a few reasons why I am really glad that I am a woman:

¬ First of all I need not know anything about mobile phones :) (because I can ask just about any of my friends and they will get me catalogues with explanations);
¬ Then, I need not know anything about cars (the same, guys are so happy when they are explaining the differences that I don't even need to bother with the information);
¬ Men open the door for me, which is great because I need not take my mittens off;
¬ For special occasions I get bunches of flowers – and sometimes I get flowers just because;
¬ I can wear jeans, a white blouse and Converses or a deux-pieces and high heels and look as good;
¬ Elder gentlemen greet me first and call me “domnisoara” (equivalent to mademoiselle);
¬ When it rains, I always get the umbrella;
¬ On the way to lunch, I can spend five minutes in a jewellery shop and help a friend choose earrings;
¬ I can make other women compliments on how they look without being fretted at;
¬ I can receive compliments with a big smile and make someone's day;
¬ Sometimes, when I feel sad, just shopping clothes or books gets me back on track;
¬ I can feel good about myself just because a stranger smiled to me on the subway...

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just told but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth, mhmn
(Alicia Keys, A Woman's Worth)

A Mother's Love

First of all, today is my mom's birthday – so Happy Birthday Ma! You are my hero – always.

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.

Someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaja.
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya,
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's sleeping Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's sleeping, Lord, Kumbaya

oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
(Joan Baez, Kumbaya)

Endlessly

A short addition after reading a wonderful love letter (written for somebody else by somebody unknown): I willingly love the me's in you, and all the rest if you won't make it vanish... that's the best I will ever understand.

Fly on my wing

Harry Potter charmed a Patronus to guard him from the evil Dementors. The lesson he was taught in defending himself against the Dark was that he should think of a happy memory very hard – and project it against the evil. Harry thought of his parents and of their sacrifice – and fended the evil off.

When I was little, I was taught that there is no evil in darkness, and that if there was anything to trouble my sleep, I should think of something beautiful, like a green field with flowers or a waterfall, and all would be well - and so it was, although sometimes it took a lot of strength not to see captain Hook or some evil indians in the night of the room :))

My mum has her own “magic carpet” to fly through every day, a friend goes dancing, another one goes on dates. I like swimming and seeing the valleys from the top of the mountains... and it is countless happy times with my friends and with my family that I recall when there are no answers left in the coffee machine or in the laptop...

Give it a short thought: what makes you happy? Then... just do it :-)

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We ll find a place together
Fly on my wing
(Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Zephyr Song)

Fasting... feasting...

Preparing your soul for what there is to come is like finding a dry piece of land upon which some grass has grown of its own accord. It's like falling down on that land, smoothing it out with bare hands and inhaling the smell of raw earth passing through one's fingers, biting into the earth and tasting its grains, then standing up, watering the land, sewing the seeds of life and rejoicing at it being grown anew.

Such is the time before Christmas, fasting to prepare for the feast that is to come.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
(Take That, Shine)

The Good and the Better

Most people in business think that the key to being successful is sticking to facts. Though I couldn't disagree with the profoundly Cartesian era we are living in, I still prefer solving more difficult situations by handling them with care and understanding.

For my part, I believe in us all being humans in spite of all and having the ability of grasping states of matters much better when they are explained on a one-to-one level. Contrary to what you may think – people do understand, even if they are in high business and wear a neck tie that may parachute them miles upwards from where you stand. Just state the facts, state the effects, state your mindset and the way to a solution will ensue. Much harm is done nowadays by the stiffness in procedural matters – things are simpler than that. Granted, some arguments may crush the other and bring you to what you wish for... but on the long run, they will not keep your relationship running.

So instead of going for the better all the time, stick with the good for a change. This might be the solution for things to work out best.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
(Jewel, Foolish Games)

Jet Plane style

"I believe that when we're born, we're all give exactly one unit of self-worth. No more, no less. No one can take it away; no one can add to it. Sometimes, though, we've forgotten we have it and we need to recover it. Self-worth is a story, just like feeling unworthy is. So go ahead and declare yourself worthy.'"

From Rules for Renegades by Christine Comaford-Lynch (2007: McGraw-Hill: New York).

Hero of the Day

Bob nominated me as the “hero of the day” yesterday in her blog. For a change I was glad about it, so thanks Liebes :). My first thought was what hero of the day or of the week I could nominate – and there was none. (Well usually there is a hero popping up here and there, such as the Dalai Lama, a journalist friend, the nearby shop assistant etc… but I guess each one of us also has some permanent heroes to populate their lives with :))

Yesterday I met a friend from Sibiu in the subway. He has been in Bucharest for a longer time than I have been, owns a company and is the president of an NGO. Just flown in from a week in Turkey. Though he probably is happy, the traces of happiness were missing from his face. He seemed tired (why, I did not look fresh myself, but with him it was only will that elated the tiredness of the body and pulled it through) and was talking about business, how he hated a certain telecom company and what he had been doing lately in the organization he provides leadership for. Which was all great - but it did not sound like a life in the real sense - with love, privacy, warm and bright things...

So although his life seemed to be filled and fulfilling – he was not my hero of the day.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
(Keane, Crystal Ball)

Know what to buy: IBM vs SAP

The consolidation on the IT Business Intelligence market goes on: after SAP bought Business Objects one month or so ago, today I read IBM agreed to buy Cognos in a 5 bn USD transaction. Interesting evolution - I am curious what else there is left for HP to buy, if they want to stay in the game :)

Turn the tide

I once wrote to a very dear friend that our inner wishes have a funny way of coming true. We can ignore them for as much as we like, but at some point they are twisting your hand to go their way. Let's just say that sometimes in life you really need a hard kick to come back to your senses, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking and start living again – as you were.

Last night I finally got the point of that kick.

Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

I don't want to miss a thing

There is a certain thrill in knowing you are expected. A familiar face, waiting at the airport, at the railway station, just for you to know they knew you were coming, knew you had luggage (or not) and just wanted to give a hand, make a stand, make sure you knew they cared. I am always so glad when somebody waits for me – and keep looking out of the window when I arrive to Bucharest, in remembrance of earlier days, when my grandpa or my mother or my father would come pick me up at the railway station. In more recent times, I remember people dear to me who would wait for me, hug me and then take me home. Nowadays there usually is nobody there to fetch me, so I take the subway and try not to get depressed by the grey stations and bored faces of people.

Still it is my secret wish there were somebody there to wait for me - to be my home and give me the feeling that the journey was not in vain, that at its end they were there, waiting, smiling, knowing...

you are the afterglow
you are the midnight show
the only one i know
you come and then you go
and when you finally leave
you leave nothing for me
(Travis, Afterglow)

Dancing in the November lights

They asked me could it be that you have quit dancing for yourself? So I smiled and asked when did I ever... ?

A good friend celebrated her birthday in Becker Brau last evening, so we had some fun with friends, dancing to pop-rock music and enjoying ourselves. I particularly liked the relaxed atmosphere, the live music and the fact that the place was not crowded. Besides the not so brilliant service (my first question, if there was any food, was answered by a brisk No that cut my appetite instantly), one can enjoy the unfiltered beer, the roomy space and the music – mostly 80's and 90's, with the house band singing covers of virtually anything (from Bon Jovi to Jerry Lee Lewis to Tina Turner and thru Pink Floyd). And in the end I also got some food...

In the weekend I will be at home, so have fun and make sure that you stay close to what you really wish for ;)

She said: "Baby our love's just like your songs
The beat ain't bad but the words are all wrong
It's time to pack my bags, it's time to just move on"
She sang: "Johnny, I'm gone, gone, gone"
And she was gone, yeah
(Bon Jovi, Queen of New Orleans)

Don't waste no more time, tomorrow I'll be on the run again

Here comes a small blonde lady who sings of being single as if it were a good thing :). The recommendation of a friend (one whole year ago, but thanks anyway Ancutza - and good luck with the animal park ;))

Annett Louisan is a Hamburger singer who sings in a very particular fashion (and in German) about how it is to be a woman in a relationship today - and how you can be pretty, full of imagination, willing to commit while at the same time keeping the options open and being sweet.

daß du dich verliebst / that you are falling in love
weil du’s mit mir tust / because you are doing it with me
daß es dich so trifft / that it affects you so
hab ich nicht gewußt / i didn't know that

daß du fast verbrennst / that you are burning
unter meiner Hand / under my hand
wenn ich dich berühr / when i touch you
hab ich nicht geahnt / i couldn't suspect that

ich will doch nur spielen / i just want to play
ich tu doch nichts / i am doing nothing
(Annett Louisan, Das Spiel)

Living the strangest life

Lately I have been so lost between deadlines and things to do for work, for the house, for my life, that I have almost forgotten to live. So I woke up last night, in the November wind, only to find that the cold of winter is all around. I sort of panicked, because it seems like yesterday I felt the first touches of autumn. I assume the transition seems very brisk to me because of all the changes it encompasses.

There is no "too soon" for me. All happens at the right time, it's just that it sometimes we are out of phase with our own time. After waiting endlessly for things to happen, we are all like email receivers set on “special notices” or “weekly digests”. We never notice when something is bound to happen, because our perception of “happenings” is distorted. So much goes on every day that we are too busy to respond and rarely notice the important stuff.

A friend told me last night that he only went to concerts to remember, and at first I called him a snob. Only now I find that he is right – as long as you know how to choose these concerts that make out the cream of the crop.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
(Coldplay, The Scientist)

We all have wishes, some are big, some are small...

There are some mornings when I wish that I had the whole subway all to myself and that I had a remote control to stop the clouds from raining.

But since I can't, I'm just making the sun shine in the office :)

Below a poem to go with today:

We all have wishes - some are big some are small
If you had one wishwhat would it be?
Would you wish for the blind to see?
or Would you wish for the color and beauty of the fall?
or Would you wish that instead of short, you were tall?
or Would you wish you had lots of money
or Would you wish you had told that special person "I love you honey"
or Would you wish to see the smile of a person you have not seen in a while?
or Would you wish all children were safe tonight?
or Would you wish the entire world would be in peace and never fight?
or Would you wish to take back something you did or said in the past?
or Would you wish that that special friendship will last?
or Would you dream of a world full of "Friendship and Love"?

You don't think wishes and dreams come true? Think a minute...
And you might realize it has happened to you...
So reach for the stars
Touch the clouds
Fulfill your dreams and wishes
Close your eyes tight
Make a wish and hold on to that wish and dream with all your might

This is just an ordinary day
Wipe the insecurities away
I can see that the darkness will erode
Looking out the corner of my eye
I can see that the sunshine will explode
Far across the desert in the sky
(Dolores O'Riordan, Ordinary Day)

What goes on inside

A contribution to my understanding of the games people play was recently made in a conversation involving the dynamics of argumentation. I bet you have been in discussions with your friends, when everything seemed to be good up to the point when two or more of the people started an argument – seemingly out of no reason. If you have not followed the discussion closely, it is nearly impossible to make sense of the misunderstanding. Arguments of a logical nature are excluded at first – in the heat of battle, all will react to emotions and in no way to logical explanations. You might find it useful to apply the prosecutor – victim – saviour paradigm to understand such situations. It goes like this (hope I got this one right... :)): somebody plays the “prosecutor” and nags at the self esteem, values or otherwise exerts aggression upon the “victim”. Depending on the way this person reacts to the situation, it might stop or perpetuate. In case the “victim” takes on the role and acts hurt, she or he may be asking for a saviour – somebody to offer comfort from the painful situation. This “saviour” may be embodied in the “prosecutor” or may be an outside part who will then be in conflict with the “prosecutor” - and the roles will yet perpetuate.

The idea in writing about this is there are no fixed ways to deal with a stressful and potentially conflictual relationship. You might understand them in different paradigms – but always choose the one you feel comfortable in. Should the tension exceed limits, try to take some time physically away to clear your thoughts, before making an attempt at solving it or deciding on a more appropriate solution.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
(Jewel, Hands)

Don't Fear the Reaper

Every day I receive the about.com Classic Poem newsletter. The poem today was funny and got me thinking :)

The Clod and the Pebble
Poem lyrics of The Clod and the Pebble by William Blake

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell's despair."

So sung a little clod of clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet;
But a pebble of the brook
Warbled out these meters meet:

"Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a hell in heaven's despite."

Hey Eugene, stop worrying!

Flashes of light like the Pink Martini concert in Bucharest last Saturday make up for even the longest nights staying awake to work. The silence as the ensemble were performing classical music, molten with South American or Japanese music (“Taya Tan” was unbelievable!), all sounding so European, so continental, made me love the “Portland, Oregon” band even more. It was not only the music that thrilled me, but also the atmosphere – they were there to entertain, and we all could feel that. They sang with such passion and longing, that the music touched us all and made us feel warm inside.

My thought for the evening was that, if we all would be as passionate about what we do as Pink Martini about what they are singing, perhaps the world would really change starting with us.

PS: I saw Dr Strangelove yesterday. Must see for crazy people who like odd comedy movies.

Hey Eugene do you remember me?

Im that chick you danced with two times through the Roofers album Friday night at that party

(Pink Martini, Hey Eugene)

I really love my job ;)

A few days ago my boss reminded me he was reading my blog (and enjoying especially the song lyrics... :) pfblaaa). So should I be asking for raises and such online in future? :D

There's no rule that says you have to wake up. Fishism

Complicated things make life more complicated than it is, bring a lot of pain and headache. So I usually try to keep stuff as simple as possible - both in my professional and personal life. That is not to express avoidance about more complex situations - they can also be split down in more simple ones. Remember how you eat an elephant? By pieces.

This morning I was reminded of Ally, the famous emotionally wrecked lawyer of my highschool years:

Ally McBeal: I like being a mess. It's who I am.

Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?
Ally McBeal: They're mine.

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

Ally McBeal: There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
(Vonda Shepard, Vincent (Starry Starry Night))

Cet obscur objet du désir

You told me that you had seen too much of the world to see the world inside me. And yet, perhaps the worlds you hadn't found yet were filled with what you were searching for.

I have educated myself to behave - and to respect the wishes and covets of others in such a way as to keep them happy and safe. However, respecting the dreams of others to the extent of disregarding your own is something I would not recommend. It leads to a heartache that bites more into you than fulfilled wishes. It so comes that that we store past relations that did not work or brought us pain in secret little drawers in our hearts and minds. The random occurrence of memories then intensifies gradually a feeling of indifference we choose over pain or anything else, because it soothes us. Sometimes it is not indifference, it is hate, or violence, or revenge... but I am quite sure of the non-usefulness of such emotions. Besides consuming us, they only bring negativity, not comfort, which is what our souls are seeking...

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And then one fine morning—So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
(F Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby)

Let me in, I want to be your friend

I like writing this blog because there are some of you out there who enjoy reading it and also telling me about it. And also because it's fun :-)

During the day, there are so many things that happen. I sometimes wish I had a printer in my head, to print out all the thoughts that go on, the images that are born every second. As that is impossible right now, I just write some words about it – and it gives me that feeling of security you have when storing the cheese in the refrigerator: you know it won't rot :-)

Anyway, keep reading and I hope I will keep on writing... for as long as there is life, there will always be something to say about it.

Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
'cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
(Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run)

Everloving

Wishing what you wish for can dig holes in your soul, because people are not to blame for your emotional storms. Even if we always try to set the blame on others, it is still a matter of self consciousness how you treat those emotions, how you let them flow and how you direct them in order to keep others or yourself from pain. People cannot be held responsible for your reaction to their behaviour. It's all a game that is played in your mind.

There are times when the voices inside me beg for a scream, and all I have for you is smile and warmth.

Lord God Almighty let me tell the news
my head got wet in midnight dew
great God i been down on my bended knee
stalking to a man from galilee
michael spoke and he sound so sweet
i thought i heard the shuffle of angels' feet
He put one hand upon my head
great God Almighty let me tell you what He said
(Moby, Run On)

Vienna: Die Stadt gehort Dir

Writing about Vienna is like writing about my home, or about about a past life as a Viennese. There are few places where I have felt like home, and one of them is Vienna. I had the joy to visit the city again in the past weekend, together with a friend who had never been there before. Besides the pleasure of seeing some familiar places again (like the Stephansdom, Hundertwasserhaus and the Belvedere palace), there were some new ones we discovered and enjoyed.

Saturday morning was quite chilly, as we started strolling on the Mariahilfer street, well-known for being a shopping paradise. A short U-bahn ride brought us to the Naschmarkt – an antiquarians meeting place combined with a market selection of wines, soaps, meat types, vegetables and fruit from all over Europe and the world. Chinese, Turks, Greeks, Italians and many others mingled to form the most colorful blend of food and customs in the city. Later on, we had real schnitzel for lunch in what must be the temple of the best schnitzels in Vienna, called the Schnitzelwirt (Neubaugasse 52). Besides the immense portions, the service was irreproachable and the waiter grinned merrily at seeing us two sweat with the effort of devouring the meal… In the Griensteindl Café (a literary café close to the Kohlmarktgasse and the more famous Café Demel), I had the best cappuccino in a long time, to go with a chocolate-free slice of Malakoff cake. A night walk to the Danube brought us to the Hundertwasserhaus and then, to contrast it, to Vienna’s International Centre. The place was obviously built as a home to office and governmental buildings and I assume it looks like a termit house during daylight. When we arrived there at 9pm, it looked as empty as a deserted world after a Resident Evil raid. The evening ended in Pandora’s Box, a local pub with diverse music, enjoyable beer and funny Austrian guys; we entered because we heard The Doors inside and left when they hit the reggae disks.

Sunday was the cultural day – I satisfied my art appetite after two modern painting exhibitions – one taking pride in Monet and Picasso at the Albertina gallery, the second displaying Cezanne, Matisse, Toulouse-Lautrec, the Fauves and even Brancusi at the Lower Belvedere galleries.

The funny feeling on returning was that there was a life that waited for me to come back here. Unlike other times, when returning felt like going through a tunnel of glass paper to adapt to the old habits, I felt happy and relaxed. Now I know that Arcadia is close :-)

I'm coming home to you
I'm alive I'm a mess
I can't wait to get home to you
To get warm and undressed
There've been changes beyond my dreams;
Everybody wants me to sing
There've been changes beyond my grasp;
Things I'm sinking in

Nothing falls like London Rain
Nothing heals me like you do
(Heather Nova, London Rain)

Uber-non-problematique

Along what I have been wondering about in the past days (and, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you must know I have many curiosities :) ) is why we are passionate about different things. Why we wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to see someone we love to the airport. Why we stay up late at work and find pleasure in a good solution to a database problem. Why it is so thrilling to listen to a Moby song you haven't heard in a while. The reason we gleam with enthusiasm when we start working on a new project – and why we enjoy it so much. Why we crave and cannot help telling all our friends about a new bar or restaurant, and eat there as if it were the honey of gods. Or why I can't wait to blog about something that has stirred my mind.

Where does all this joy and this passion come from? This is not to say that all of us feel it, not by far. It is yet the kind of feeling of wholeness that gives a lot of energy and push into the day. Some only talk about it – or even overdo it... but passion cannot be faked. At some point you still get exhausted and tired like a consumed candle. How is it then that you find your balance – and more, the energy and power to smile and bring not only yourself up, but also the people around you.

A possible answer is love. If you love – and have the warmth and generosity to share it – not a conditional act, but just give it away, freely, there is more return than you will manage to contain. Another answer is mental self discipline: being an inspiration or a desolation for yourself and for others is a matter of choice. In my favourite training I insist on Passion leading to Focus and then to Attitude. The inside fire burning transforms itself in self-fulfilment and to an attitude that then inspires others.

Hey hey I saved the world today

Everybodys happy now

The bad things gone away

And everybodys happy now

The good things here to stay

Please let it stay

(Eurythmics, I Saved the World Today)

The complicated me you cannot see

We do not like people who pull long faces. We like to be around others who seem to be healthy, nice, funny and a pleasure to be with. Because we cannot remember jokes, we like other people to tell jokes – or to say funny remarks and make us all feel good. Whenever somebody starts telling us about his / her troubles, we prefer to stay put and appear indifferent, although there are many things that we have experienced and we could be talking about, but we feel it is better not to say anything about it, in order not to upset the others.

Some days ago I felt quite under the weather and consequently was not exactly fun to be around, as I spat some fire and had a very gloomy look. A colleague with the unfortunate luck of being around me felt some undeserved sparks and got me out for a cup of tea. People do not have time to see beneath your surface on a bad day, he said. They will only absorb the joy of you, if you feel like beaming it on them, and will subtract the times you are in a bad mood. The result will be your desirability in their eyes. But then, I retorted, do we not run into the risk of never getting to know anybody as he or she really is? And he then looked at me smiling and said, that only matters for very few. For the rest of the world, the analysis of the other is not an option any more.

If he were a color
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes
(India.Arie, Complicated Melody)

Didn't we almost have it all?

Tell me what you are yearning for. Is it life, is it your job, your family, friends... ? Is it your dog? Does it make you happy, to yearn for them? It should be, as these are all things you can have, that you can touch. You can be them every day. And yet, most of us do not crave what we already have - though it would be the most logical solution, wouldn't it? Yeah, sure, wanting what we cannot get has become such a cliché that writing about it has become tasteless. I was wondering, however, about what someone told me in a meaningless conversation today: that simply talking to me was his bliss. Nothing more was required. Although I did not reciprocate, I admired him for wanting what he had got – be it the nothing it seemed to me.

So I remembered countless times when moments containing essences seemed to elude me. Our mistake must be not that we do not see these moments – they are too many to be ignored – but that we choose to think it can become better and better. We yearn for what we cannot touch not because it would be better than what we have, but because it isn't there, and because we choose to occupy our thoughts with how it would be, instead of how it is. One other proof that we live sequentially and forget to absorb the beauty of life at the exact moment we have it.

Watch “Closer” for more details regarding want and lust... and loss.

Seeing the world through imperfect eyes

The underground station provides – besides the eternal stress of jumping in the hot and crowded train wagon before the others do – lots of opportunity to observe the people and to learn the discipline of waiting. While waiting, you can do lots of things. Starting with the thoughts on how the day will look like, on to impossible fantasies such as teleporting to work and a general strike against the underground union, you can picture everything. There are people who are so sick of waiting that they wander around and talk to themselves (hoping to be heard by others) about the inability of the government to regulate public transportation. Then there are some fancy looking and important seeming yuppies who mainly study their clothing in the mirror. Most of them have a very preoccupied and at the same time hollow look about them. There are women in their thirties who look so tired and unhappy that I always get horror images of the life they must be leading, lacking in beauty and excitement or so beautiful it can't stand up to the grey underground station.

The only thing that unites us in our total carelessness towards each other is that we all are tired of waiting – for the train, for the day to come, for the future to arrive. For some, the hope has not vanished and the hungry eyes still devour every new frame they discover, for others the film is repeating itself endlessly, and their perfection lies in being ideal paranoid androids...

So long, Jimmy, so long.
Though you only stayed a moment,
We all know that you're the one.
Singing,So long, Jimmy, so long.
Sure we're glad for the experience,
We miss you now you've gone.
We're just swimming in your soul 'cause,
We all wish we wrote this song.
Life goes on.
(James Blunt, So Long Jimmy)

Piece by Piece

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
(Margaret Mitchell)

J'ai envie de vert

The colour green has never really appealed to me. It always reminded me of unpleasant things and I preferred not to have it around, or on clothes I wore. Yes I love nature, but the colour green in there is organic and you do not perceive it as being a colour. It is rather a state of mind when you are in the woods or near a lake, and so you do not react to it. It is yet different when you wear it – or when you see others wear it.

Imagine that, under these circumstances, I have started to fancy and to wear green in the past year. There are green clothes in my wardrobe and there are green jewels that I have got myself. Wherever I see green, my feeling is of bliss, and the nuances startle me. I wonder what has grown inside me to make me feel like this.

A quick googlesearch says that: “Green is the color of nature, fertility, life. Grass green is the most restful color. Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. Green is a safe color, if you don't know what color to use anywhere use green.
Green is favored by well balanced people. Green symbolizes the master healer and the life force. It often symbolizes money. It was believed green was healing for the eyes. Egyptians wore green eyeliner. Green eyeshades are still used. You should eat raw green foods for good health. Friday is the day of green. Green jade is a sacred stone of Asia.”
So I guess it's good news.

PS: Last night I went to the Muse concert in Bucharest and it was awesome! I loved the music and the atmosphere, the show was flawless, Matt's voice one of the best I have ever heard in a live concert, perfectly matched with the music and so psychedelic. My veins were flowing Muse-blood when I left there.

Everything about you is how I wanna be

Your freedom comes naturally

Everything about you resonates happiness

Now I won't settle for less

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind

(Muse, Bliss)

The unnecessary effort

Happiness always catches us offhand. You turn away for a second, and there it is, beaming back at you with green eyes, neon flashlights or a palm tree hanging over a sea of blue. Being so dazzled, you forget it really is happiness and in the best of cases walk on by, photograph it and then forget it in some old picture chest, from where you only dust it of from time to time and get reminded of it as if it were an old heart ache you never managed to cure. Then you move on and look for it wherever you go - and fail to see it again and again, because it keeps hiding from you, afraid you again will not recognize it.

Sometimes you realise that this really is happiness, just stretch your hand and catch it. You then feel as if you have reached a star, you gleam all over and wish that it may never go away, because you have suddenly grown wings, and the light inside you beams -- and you yourself become happiness.

You, soft and only

You,lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

(Katie Melua, Just Like Heaven)

The enemy who is close to us

In the morning I go to the office with the Bucharest underground. It is a terrible experience everytime, especially if I arrive at the station after 8.00am. Loads of people in suits, smart dresses, some of them with ear phones, are waiting for the train. After seeing it is full, they still insist on entering the waggons, so that inside you have a constant temperature of about 35 degrees C, exquisite for catching all sorts of microbes. Above all, this morning time of getting to the office is when I am physically closer to more people than comfortably acceptable, some of them trying to consolidate their "position" of about 1 square inch by pushing others aside, sticking elbows in the others' shoulders and turning the music in their ears to a maximum, so they don't see or hear the hate in people's faces.

And you can be sure that if you're feeling right

A daydream will last long into the night

Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears

Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years

(Lovin Spoonful, Daydream)

Yep, I've heard it all before

I am definitely not the telephoning type. Tonight in the French class I was asked to say why (in French!). The truth is, even though on the phone I am often missing all that ellaborate body talk to illustrate the subject at hand, and the control of the discussion is eluding me, phoning helps me become a better listener. There are things that are easier to say on the phone, than face to face. Even today at work, in a longer meeting, I noticed that few people sustain your look when you honestly look into their eyes when speaking. Well, think that you have something really personal to say, and you don't want (or simply cannot) say it in person. What's the best option? Telephoning, of course. On the phone I've said (and heard) lots of things that would probably have taken much more guts to say face to face. The im-persona of the other person makes you let your thoughts stream free, as if you were alone and the sole gesture of holding the phone up to your ear were only a reflex gesture you'd make every time you were speaking to yourself.

Nevertheless, this makes me no lesser an opponent of telephoning. There is nothing that can replace a face to face conversation, a decent answer to decent questions, the smile on the other's face when you say something pleasant, the touching of hands when agreement is reached.

I've given everything i have to give but it's not enough
And this might sound a little negative but i'm not that tough
(Cinerama, Your Time Starts Now)

Easy like Sunday morning

A question that has troubled me of late is why we make friends or become lovers with different people. Of course, there are relationships that develop because of sheer sympathy and liking for the other person. They are rare though. Most relationships are based on a role typology: I expect him / her to fulfil a certain role in my life. Be it that of saviour, secret lover or mature coach (the ranges vary from person to person) – we all need someone. What we do not expect is that everyone who enters our life has an own deck of cards. They all have luggage, left behind by the culture they come from, by the family life they led, by the amount of loneliness they had to share alone. Of course, this luggage needs to be got rid of – and there are more than one ways to do that. One that is very familiar to most of us is shedding that luggage onto the other and making him / her be a part. There are people in everyone's life who live by this “shedding” - more or less obvious, more or less intense.

The trick is in how much blame you choose to accept for somebody else's life... To understand what the boundaries there are to your responsibility – and to the other's, and act accordingly. All the love and goodwill you have cannot always rescue somebody who has already been hurt so much that all you could do is just sit next to him – and inflict a new wound even by that, by being a signpost for the loss.

And the thing that gets to me
Is you’ll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I’ll always be in doubt
(Cranberries, Animal Instinct)

Walking the right streets

A friend of mine did a brave thing a few days ago: although he was one inch away from getting a certain job in Bruxelles - very badly I may add, as I saw his enthusiasm from the beginning of the application - he still had the inner strength to put down all the pro and against arguments, and decided against taking up the position. The decision involved a financial component, but it was ultimately the fact that the job would have made him sway from his chosen professional path that convinced him to renounce.

It takes a lot of nerve to do against your heart's bidding - but as long as you feel that is the right decision for you, just walk on. Dreams are often fulfilled just around the corner.

Aint no angel gonna greet me
Its just you and I my friend
My clothes dont fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip the skin
(Bruce Springsteen, Streets of Philadelphia)

Octavian Paler - thoughts

"Când aveam posibilitatea sa-mi îndeplinesc visul, mi-am dat seama ca si pasiunile îmbatrânesc. Nu stiu daca pot pretinde ca am stiut ce vreau de la viata. Nu mi-au lipsit tintele false si entuziasemele naive. Cam toate certitudinile mele, câte au fost, sunt acum ciuruite de îndoieli, ca niste haine roase de molii. Mi-ar fi greu sa numesc una intacta. Nu exista fericire de care sa-ti amintesti fara tristete. Am început sa-mi dau seama ca, din actor pe scena vietii, deveneam un figurant. Tot ce pierdem, pierdem pentru totdeauna. Ceea ce nu traim la timp, nu mai traim niciodata. O viata mediocra poate fi justificata. Mai ales într-o lume mediocra. Dar mediocritatea iluziilor nu are nici o scuza. Nimic nu ne opreste sa visam fara masura. Forma cea mai subtila în care se poate înfatisa un mister este banalitatea. Dumnezeu a creat lumea în asa fel încât sa regretam aproape totdeauna prea târziu. A muri înseamna a te muta într-o stea."

Sweet sweet sweet....

At some point in your life, after being smothered in the childhood thrills of knowing and controlling everything that goes on around you and indulging in the belief everybody tells you everything (count in the part where friends would come and whisper in your ear “Do you want to know a secret”) -- silence falls. You hear little to nothing from others, so you have to create your own secrets and stories, and plans.

And yet, sometimes these plans don't come out quite as you had drafted them. People around you will make sure you will have more obstacles than initially thought of, they will try to keep you from your stories and your dreams. Perhaps it is legitimate that they do so – it is all but legitimate to claim another person's life, when you love her and want what is best for her. How do you manage to merge these two, though? How do you lead a happy family life and follow a great career without hurting the one you're with?

It takes great strength to try and follow both - and sometimes you just wonder if loss is worth what remains behind. But I guess it's all up to what you really wish for in life.

Sugar wishes don't change what is real
Or how it feels in the bad times
For whatever is he is mine all the time
And we'll get by with our troubles
(Macy Gray ft Erykah Badu, Sweet Baby)

While travelling

What do people on the bus do while they are travelling? Well, they listen to music on ipods, watch movies on laptops, look out the window, comment about the length of the road, the technical abilities of the driver, talk on the phone loudly enough to piss everyone off (about family inheritance, children and the technical abilities of the driver), and there are people who make up stories about the ones who are travelling. Like me. I saw a guy's female best friend trying to attract his attention. It was clear they were sharing something - reading in the same positions, both wearing glasses, he showing her certain landscapes or giggling over certain lines from the books. The girlfriend was a bit resentful, however compensated by owning the right to kiss the guy, at which point the best friend looked out of the window. Quite funny to watch, actually.

Tonight she told me she'd known I had been rushing back to you.
What she didn't know was there was nobody to come rushing back to.
Or is there?

So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me
Oh baby
(The Real Thing, You to me are everything)

Those things we will never say

There are, for every one of us, things we will never say. Be it that we like someone to the point of melting, or we have our own secret little plans, we are not able to verbalise those things, speak about them properly or even touch upon them in daily interaction with others. At times, they come up in our mind Even then, we cannot let them out of our head, because we constantly think about either what the other will think, that we will scare him or her or be scared by what the other will have to say – or even worse, that it will not matter to him or her as much as it matters to us and we will then be so disappointed.

There are small things – such as what we like about the cloudless weather – or what we fancy about ice-cream (like licking the ice cone when it melts) – or even bigger things – such as what we really think or how we would go about seducing a green-eyed blonde. Or how we feel about being betrayed. It never matters what it is, we just cannot talk about it – because it has taken a deep seat within our emotions and ration tells us this is uncontrollable. The interesting part is that everything that is in our head is looking for a way to get out, and so we start dreaming about what we cannot speak about. We draw it. We sing it. We ultimately do it, or even worse – we come to be it.

I've known the secret for a week or two,

Nobody knows, just we two.

(The Beatles, Do You Want To Know A Secret)

Those things that we will never say, we will do (such as, being fatty, you tend to go out with slender people, in the hope nobody will notice). If we do not find a way of expressing them, they will express themselves – like it or not. And some of them we will come to regret we haven't said ourselves.

Old habits get worn off

Seeing somebody from my past almost always brings back good memories, and having them around sparks very inspiring discussions. You might say I am a nostalgic, but sometimes I like dipping in the years gone by and try to find a meaning in them, a red line that leads to an ending. It is not always this way. Past really is only what we make of it... and sometimes it makes no sense. There are people who have meant something special to you at some point or the other, and later on, when you lose them, you try to find a meaning in their presence. There even can be one at times, but remember even that is deceiving. People and things only bear the symbols you invest them with. A necklace I have got from a friend will only signify for me the good memories and times I have enjoyed with this friend. My mum's photo holding my dog will take me back to the moments when we had the dog and it woke me up by licking my face in the morning :)

The point is: although it's nice to walk the shadows of past, hooking into it can make you lose grips with everyday reality. My experience has showed me that living the moment provides for the brightest memories, and that past is no place to live in.

We haven't spoken in months

You see i've been counting the days

I dream of such humanities, such insanities

I'm lost like a kid and i'm late

But i've never taken your coats

Haven't no block on my phone

I act like an addict, i just got to have it

I can never just leave it alone

(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart, Old Habits Die Hard)

Me? To sew and iron?

My first newspaper article (back in the days.. :)) was about a street ad featuring a smart-looking blonde in a suit, who sat and looked daringly into the camera. Above her you could read "Eu? Sa cos si sa calc?" ("Me? To sew and iron?"). The obvious idea was that she would never-ever-in-a-million-years-touch-those-despicable-instruments, and it was one that spread very fast. The modern woman has no time for sewing - let's face it, she is much too busy advancing her career or going to the gym to do (any) kind of housework. I made copious fun of the smart-dressed (possibly a consultant? :) ) girl in that article, quoting an old couple who stood looking at the ad: “Pai ar cam trebui, mai fata...” (“You kinda should, lassie...”) This is actually a reproach I've been hearing a lot – that we women are now so emancipated we hell don't have clue about what a (sewing) needle is and how to use it. Plus, it is said that we have no desire to cook and to see to a partner's well-being, our only wild ambition being to climb the social ladder and hit the poor losers who follow us with our high heels in the head and then have a glorious laugh at winning the battle of sexes.

Well, please allow me to disappoint you and blow up my own myth. In this historical evening it was I who spent two (2) whole hours fighting my way with a needle through a pair of trousers and then ironing them. O gods! Could it be that I am no capitalistic ladder-climber and instead an old spinster in disguise? Huh, if this were the only criteria, maybe I could make it to the pantheon of traditionalist relics. I'll keep you posted on this one anyway, for Thursday I've planned cooking for friends, so perhaps I will qualify, after all... :)

Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills

Always 50/50 in relationships

(Destiny's Child, Independent Women)