I'm loving angels instead

This time before Christmas I feel inspired by the cities I have lived in; it reminds me of countless evenings or nights I have spent walking through places that seemed different in daylight and now revealed forms and dimensions unbelievably alive. I am an admirer of the beauty of pure urban; cities are more enticing when viewed in the light of their lamps, or of the moon, with little of the daily worming of people going on. The solitary evenings I have spent in discovery have been some of the best of my life. So I have found places in Romania, Germany, Austria, Poland, Italy or France which may have escaped my attention in the daily turmoil.

They say that true love’s measure is when you believe that nobody has loved in the same way before us and nobody will love in the same way after us. Well I say that you can only love a city in your own way. Nobody will have seen or see it the same as you do. I have seen them all through the lenses of my camera, through the lenses of night and through the reverential fear I felt when walking alone through unknown streets. It all has deepened my perceptions, and parts of me have thus rubbed into the spirits of the cities, to stay.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
(TS Eliot, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock)

Simplifying myself

Some time ago I read a book called “How I became stupid”. It is a book about a young man who realizes to think is to suffer and frustrates himself on being smart (as he thinks this is the reason why nobody likes him). The ending is funny: after he tries various things to help him become dumber (drinking, getting a job as a broker, trying to commit suicide etc), he finds a girl who is as imaginatively astray as he is and off they ride into the night.

This weekend we were in Sibiu – I told you about this in my last post – and helped with building little houses for the Christmas fair. We also painted them – which took up most of Saturday and of Sunday. Imagine it was great. A bunch of people who do nothing but info gathering, data crunching and corporate emailing all day, all gathered in a place and painting little houses! It was by far the most relaxing weekend I have had in a long time, and I am looking forward to doing that again. Besides, it was fun, as the guys on my team were at their best in joking and telling stories.

Following this past weekend, I've decided that I must be employing much too serious a part of my head to think about completely useless things, so I have started an experiment. I want to see if thinking less will help me be better, calmer, and maybe wiser. The results until now are indeed encouraging – it kind of simplifies things and helps concentrate on the important ones.

I wish for this night-time to last for a life-time
The darkness around me - shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
(Nightwish, Sleeping Sun)

Such a comedienne

I wanted to write about something complicated tonight – about wishes and where they come from and how we ignore all this, as long as they are fulfilled, and how this origin of wishes actually indicates the direction we are headed to.

Instead, I'll just write a bit about sleeping. About how I couldn't find sleep in summer and sometimes cried, my nose buried in the pillow. About how I stay up now, just to catch demons offhand, read some, write some more, and can't fall asleep before 12.00AM. This is all quite paradoxical, because I love to sleep. Above all, I cherish warmth in my bed, which is why I sleep covered in three blankets, at about 23 deg C. Warmth makes my sleep deep and cozy and makes me dream about places that I would like to go to, places I have only visited in my dreams or which I would like to visit. One of these places is definitely my project office, where I already came too late once, the only excuse being my half closed sleepy eyes...

So sleep tight :-) and I'll see you again on Monday or so, on my return from a nice team retreat in Sibiu. We will be building little houses for the traditional Weihnachtsmarkt (link RO) and having fun with the guys on my current project team. Since it all takes place in my home town, you can well imagine that I can't wait to be there. So if you happen to also be in Sibiu over the weekend, feel free to ym me and let's meet.

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we haveisn't good or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
(Scarlet, Independent Lovesong)

The "I Am Not A Feminist" series vol. 1

A few days ago, a dear one told me he'd got himself a new mobile phone. Great, I said, what sort of one? He told me what it was (I have no idea about mobile phones) and I asked: Does it at least look good? So he laughed and said You are such a woman who cares what it looks like it's a technical jewel and it's got GPS and... and... and it does... Aha I said (whatever...)

So here are a few reasons why I am really glad that I am a woman:

¬ First of all I need not know anything about mobile phones :) (because I can ask just about any of my friends and they will get me catalogues with explanations);
¬ Then, I need not know anything about cars (the same, guys are so happy when they are explaining the differences that I don't even need to bother with the information);
¬ Men open the door for me, which is great because I need not take my mittens off;
¬ For special occasions I get bunches of flowers – and sometimes I get flowers just because;
¬ I can wear jeans, a white blouse and Converses or a deux-pieces and high heels and look as good;
¬ Elder gentlemen greet me first and call me “domnisoara” (equivalent to mademoiselle);
¬ When it rains, I always get the umbrella;
¬ On the way to lunch, I can spend five minutes in a jewellery shop and help a friend choose earrings;
¬ I can make other women compliments on how they look without being fretted at;
¬ I can receive compliments with a big smile and make someone's day;
¬ Sometimes, when I feel sad, just shopping clothes or books gets me back on track;
¬ I can feel good about myself just because a stranger smiled to me on the subway...

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just told but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth, mhmn
(Alicia Keys, A Woman's Worth)

A Mother's Love

First of all, today is my mom's birthday – so Happy Birthday Ma! You are my hero – always.

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.

Someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaja.
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya,
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's sleeping Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's sleeping, Lord, Kumbaya

oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
(Joan Baez, Kumbaya)

Endlessly

A short addition after reading a wonderful love letter (written for somebody else by somebody unknown): I willingly love the me's in you, and all the rest if you won't make it vanish... that's the best I will ever understand.

Fly on my wing

Harry Potter charmed a Patronus to guard him from the evil Dementors. The lesson he was taught in defending himself against the Dark was that he should think of a happy memory very hard – and project it against the evil. Harry thought of his parents and of their sacrifice – and fended the evil off.

When I was little, I was taught that there is no evil in darkness, and that if there was anything to trouble my sleep, I should think of something beautiful, like a green field with flowers or a waterfall, and all would be well - and so it was, although sometimes it took a lot of strength not to see captain Hook or some evil indians in the night of the room :))

My mum has her own “magic carpet” to fly through every day, a friend goes dancing, another one goes on dates. I like swimming and seeing the valleys from the top of the mountains... and it is countless happy times with my friends and with my family that I recall when there are no answers left in the coffee machine or in the laptop...

Give it a short thought: what makes you happy? Then... just do it :-)

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We ll find a place together
Fly on my wing
(Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Zephyr Song)

Fasting... feasting...

Preparing your soul for what there is to come is like finding a dry piece of land upon which some grass has grown of its own accord. It's like falling down on that land, smoothing it out with bare hands and inhaling the smell of raw earth passing through one's fingers, biting into the earth and tasting its grains, then standing up, watering the land, sewing the seeds of life and rejoicing at it being grown anew.

Such is the time before Christmas, fasting to prepare for the feast that is to come.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
(Take That, Shine)

The Good and the Better

Most people in business think that the key to being successful is sticking to facts. Though I couldn't disagree with the profoundly Cartesian era we are living in, I still prefer solving more difficult situations by handling them with care and understanding.

For my part, I believe in us all being humans in spite of all and having the ability of grasping states of matters much better when they are explained on a one-to-one level. Contrary to what you may think – people do understand, even if they are in high business and wear a neck tie that may parachute them miles upwards from where you stand. Just state the facts, state the effects, state your mindset and the way to a solution will ensue. Much harm is done nowadays by the stiffness in procedural matters – things are simpler than that. Granted, some arguments may crush the other and bring you to what you wish for... but on the long run, they will not keep your relationship running.

So instead of going for the better all the time, stick with the good for a change. This might be the solution for things to work out best.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
(Jewel, Foolish Games)

Jet Plane style

"I believe that when we're born, we're all give exactly one unit of self-worth. No more, no less. No one can take it away; no one can add to it. Sometimes, though, we've forgotten we have it and we need to recover it. Self-worth is a story, just like feeling unworthy is. So go ahead and declare yourself worthy.'"

From Rules for Renegades by Christine Comaford-Lynch (2007: McGraw-Hill: New York).

Hero of the Day

Bob nominated me as the “hero of the day” yesterday in her blog. For a change I was glad about it, so thanks Liebes :). My first thought was what hero of the day or of the week I could nominate – and there was none. (Well usually there is a hero popping up here and there, such as the Dalai Lama, a journalist friend, the nearby shop assistant etc… but I guess each one of us also has some permanent heroes to populate their lives with :))

Yesterday I met a friend from Sibiu in the subway. He has been in Bucharest for a longer time than I have been, owns a company and is the president of an NGO. Just flown in from a week in Turkey. Though he probably is happy, the traces of happiness were missing from his face. He seemed tired (why, I did not look fresh myself, but with him it was only will that elated the tiredness of the body and pulled it through) and was talking about business, how he hated a certain telecom company and what he had been doing lately in the organization he provides leadership for. Which was all great - but it did not sound like a life in the real sense - with love, privacy, warm and bright things...

So although his life seemed to be filled and fulfilling – he was not my hero of the day.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
(Keane, Crystal Ball)

Know what to buy: IBM vs SAP

The consolidation on the IT Business Intelligence market goes on: after SAP bought Business Objects one month or so ago, today I read IBM agreed to buy Cognos in a 5 bn USD transaction. Interesting evolution - I am curious what else there is left for HP to buy, if they want to stay in the game :)

Turn the tide

I once wrote to a very dear friend that our inner wishes have a funny way of coming true. We can ignore them for as much as we like, but at some point they are twisting your hand to go their way. Let's just say that sometimes in life you really need a hard kick to come back to your senses, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking and start living again – as you were.

Last night I finally got the point of that kick.

Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

I don't want to miss a thing

There is a certain thrill in knowing you are expected. A familiar face, waiting at the airport, at the railway station, just for you to know they knew you were coming, knew you had luggage (or not) and just wanted to give a hand, make a stand, make sure you knew they cared. I am always so glad when somebody waits for me – and keep looking out of the window when I arrive to Bucharest, in remembrance of earlier days, when my grandpa or my mother or my father would come pick me up at the railway station. In more recent times, I remember people dear to me who would wait for me, hug me and then take me home. Nowadays there usually is nobody there to fetch me, so I take the subway and try not to get depressed by the grey stations and bored faces of people.

Still it is my secret wish there were somebody there to wait for me - to be my home and give me the feeling that the journey was not in vain, that at its end they were there, waiting, smiling, knowing...

you are the afterglow
you are the midnight show
the only one i know
you come and then you go
and when you finally leave
you leave nothing for me
(Travis, Afterglow)

Dancing in the November lights

They asked me could it be that you have quit dancing for yourself? So I smiled and asked when did I ever... ?

A good friend celebrated her birthday in Becker Brau last evening, so we had some fun with friends, dancing to pop-rock music and enjoying ourselves. I particularly liked the relaxed atmosphere, the live music and the fact that the place was not crowded. Besides the not so brilliant service (my first question, if there was any food, was answered by a brisk No that cut my appetite instantly), one can enjoy the unfiltered beer, the roomy space and the music – mostly 80's and 90's, with the house band singing covers of virtually anything (from Bon Jovi to Jerry Lee Lewis to Tina Turner and thru Pink Floyd). And in the end I also got some food...

In the weekend I will be at home, so have fun and make sure that you stay close to what you really wish for ;)

She said: "Baby our love's just like your songs
The beat ain't bad but the words are all wrong
It's time to pack my bags, it's time to just move on"
She sang: "Johnny, I'm gone, gone, gone"
And she was gone, yeah
(Bon Jovi, Queen of New Orleans)

Don't waste no more time, tomorrow I'll be on the run again

Here comes a small blonde lady who sings of being single as if it were a good thing :). The recommendation of a friend (one whole year ago, but thanks anyway Ancutza - and good luck with the animal park ;))

Annett Louisan is a Hamburger singer who sings in a very particular fashion (and in German) about how it is to be a woman in a relationship today - and how you can be pretty, full of imagination, willing to commit while at the same time keeping the options open and being sweet.

daß du dich verliebst / that you are falling in love
weil du’s mit mir tust / because you are doing it with me
daß es dich so trifft / that it affects you so
hab ich nicht gewußt / i didn't know that

daß du fast verbrennst / that you are burning
unter meiner Hand / under my hand
wenn ich dich berühr / when i touch you
hab ich nicht geahnt / i couldn't suspect that

ich will doch nur spielen / i just want to play
ich tu doch nichts / i am doing nothing
(Annett Louisan, Das Spiel)

Living the strangest life

Lately I have been so lost between deadlines and things to do for work, for the house, for my life, that I have almost forgotten to live. So I woke up last night, in the November wind, only to find that the cold of winter is all around. I sort of panicked, because it seems like yesterday I felt the first touches of autumn. I assume the transition seems very brisk to me because of all the changes it encompasses.

There is no "too soon" for me. All happens at the right time, it's just that it sometimes we are out of phase with our own time. After waiting endlessly for things to happen, we are all like email receivers set on “special notices” or “weekly digests”. We never notice when something is bound to happen, because our perception of “happenings” is distorted. So much goes on every day that we are too busy to respond and rarely notice the important stuff.

A friend told me last night that he only went to concerts to remember, and at first I called him a snob. Only now I find that he is right – as long as you know how to choose these concerts that make out the cream of the crop.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
(Coldplay, The Scientist)

We all have wishes, some are big, some are small...

There are some mornings when I wish that I had the whole subway all to myself and that I had a remote control to stop the clouds from raining.

But since I can't, I'm just making the sun shine in the office :)

Below a poem to go with today:

We all have wishes - some are big some are small
If you had one wishwhat would it be?
Would you wish for the blind to see?
or Would you wish for the color and beauty of the fall?
or Would you wish that instead of short, you were tall?
or Would you wish you had lots of money
or Would you wish you had told that special person "I love you honey"
or Would you wish to see the smile of a person you have not seen in a while?
or Would you wish all children were safe tonight?
or Would you wish the entire world would be in peace and never fight?
or Would you wish to take back something you did or said in the past?
or Would you wish that that special friendship will last?
or Would you dream of a world full of "Friendship and Love"?

You don't think wishes and dreams come true? Think a minute...
And you might realize it has happened to you...
So reach for the stars
Touch the clouds
Fulfill your dreams and wishes
Close your eyes tight
Make a wish and hold on to that wish and dream with all your might

This is just an ordinary day
Wipe the insecurities away
I can see that the darkness will erode
Looking out the corner of my eye
I can see that the sunshine will explode
Far across the desert in the sky
(Dolores O'Riordan, Ordinary Day)

What goes on inside

A contribution to my understanding of the games people play was recently made in a conversation involving the dynamics of argumentation. I bet you have been in discussions with your friends, when everything seemed to be good up to the point when two or more of the people started an argument – seemingly out of no reason. If you have not followed the discussion closely, it is nearly impossible to make sense of the misunderstanding. Arguments of a logical nature are excluded at first – in the heat of battle, all will react to emotions and in no way to logical explanations. You might find it useful to apply the prosecutor – victim – saviour paradigm to understand such situations. It goes like this (hope I got this one right... :)): somebody plays the “prosecutor” and nags at the self esteem, values or otherwise exerts aggression upon the “victim”. Depending on the way this person reacts to the situation, it might stop or perpetuate. In case the “victim” takes on the role and acts hurt, she or he may be asking for a saviour – somebody to offer comfort from the painful situation. This “saviour” may be embodied in the “prosecutor” or may be an outside part who will then be in conflict with the “prosecutor” - and the roles will yet perpetuate.

The idea in writing about this is there are no fixed ways to deal with a stressful and potentially conflictual relationship. You might understand them in different paradigms – but always choose the one you feel comfortable in. Should the tension exceed limits, try to take some time physically away to clear your thoughts, before making an attempt at solving it or deciding on a more appropriate solution.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
(Jewel, Hands)