Rains keep falling or so it seems

The future rises above us with an avalanche of impossibilities we feel the need to solve. So many unknown things await us, so much unfamiliarity and yet so much joy in discovering the new worlds. And again there comes pain, the bitter follower of uncertain steps, to bite with sharp teeth into the sand castles you architect inside your head.

Sometimes the acute perception of time seems to overwhelm every bit of self conscious thought you have. Sometimes you feel frightened and sometimes confident, the least of times in harmony with yourself and eager for change. And yet, not opening a door limits your possibilities by thousands and fearing what might come can only build another brick in the wall of despair. So why not take a risk? There is nothing to fear in darkness, as there is nothing to fear in yourself. It is the songs that remain unsung that keep us away from mystery.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
(Hoobastank, The Reason)

How many lives must still be taken?...

The problem is not the Koran, nor the Torah or the Bible. The problem is never the faith, but the faithful and how they behave towards each other.
Kofi Annan

Let me down and you will convince me

Oh the taste of tea, the sweet, milk-sugary taste that you wish would last forever... You want to drink more and more of it and make it find no end. It's the same with disappointment, happiness, or loss. Sometimes you dip so deep, indulge in its nearness, almost drown within the warm walls of the feeling, that are so near you can almost touch them. You make them all stare at you, while you either beam or show a happy face, just proud to feel anything at all – and keen to show you do.

Nobody will believe you unless you let them down. Say nothing of where you are and what you feel, and they will leave their snowdrop heads down, as if no water had come to them for days. Make yourself disappear, it's a common form of disappointing. Show you are cool, and they will think you have forsaken them. Bestow no detail of you upon them, and they will frown when you do, because they will not know how much of yourself you have left for them to cut to imagination. And to all our dismay, imagination has the utter talent of exploring all non-happening variants, and so provides tons of feeling material and long, bittery sweet taste.

How deep and strong a faith must one have to even dare to think everything will work out fine?

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.
(Leonard Cohen, In My Secret Life)

Closing Times

More than once have I heard the famous “A kick in the ass helps you go one step forward”. I guess that plays an important role in my New Year's resolutions for this year. On the 31st I opened a small notebook with certain decisions – or simply things to do in 2008, certain circles that need to be closed, people to be visited and sights to be seen. Among others, I asked myself what to do with the blog, and decided to still keep it as a companion, while trying to objectify the experiences more.

After much struggle and uncertainty, this will be a good year. For all of us.

Frodo: ... I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
(Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

Very personal: awguri and happy returns!

So it really is true: giving is more fun than receiving. I found that out during the past days, in Bucharest, then over the Maltese Christmas. It really feels so good to give something from all your heart, and expect no more than a smile in return, a laughter and maybe some small talk, some chatter meaning nothing but being there and having a good time together. The little happenings of life that matter are the ones that keep you going – a free bus ride into the unknown, watching the sea at midday, the painting of a wooden house, the joy of a loved one, a phone call from a friend getting the interview of his life, colours around your neck, a short kiss on the lips, admiring somebody's earrings... These are the ones you remember. It is them that make your life beautiful, friends and family and dear ones, the ones you feel warm with – the ones you feel home with.

The end of this year catches me in a sunny and quiet mood – as if all the troubles of this year were past me, in a place where they cannot reach me any more – in my mind all is peaceful, waiting for bliss. I wish you a blessed New Year!

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share
(Red Hot Chilli Peppers, I Could Die For You)

I'll call off the search and just wear the boots

The high heels remained a mystery for me for the past ten years or so, because of my sensitive ankles. After managing to sprain them about seven to eight times a year, it was concluded that wearing high heels was not ideal for my further development, so I switched to trainers, snickers and various other forms of sports equipment. This allowed most of my friends to identify me with a half-blood boy at the best (my way of communicating played a sensitively important part in that). It was me, of course, who invented the famous tagline “I need to wear comfortable shoes” – and adapted it consequently to my comfortable personality, not complicating the life of my delicate ankles and ignoring the mainstream preference of shorter girls to reach other’s noses by wearing higher heels.

Not much changed since then, don't worry :) it’s only that I got myself a pair of high heeled boots during the autumnal change process described in the blog. And guess what: my glory did not fall off, my personality was not threatened and even the noses I managed to reach proved to actually be higher. All in all, wearing heels made me feel less insecure that I might injure my legs than I had originally pictured it, and maybe a bit less of a snickers teenager…

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
(Nancy Sinatra, These Boots Are Made for Walkin')

Nosetip electrified

The time before Christmas must be the loveliest part of the year. Two days ago, as we had a project meeting (a very serious one on top of it!), we heard some bells on the corridor, and then a real, white-bearded and red-and-white-dressed Santa Claus came in, just like I remembered him from my childhood. A wave of joy and hope overwhelmed me, as he gave way to some of the funniest wishes I have ever heard a Santa utter (such as: “May your garage contain a Mercedes and may you finish construction work on your villa earlier than planned!”). It felt like home, and like those glorious times when I was little, and everything was possible.

What I feel and would like to wish you too, is that all wishes come true this Christmas.

So I sing for you
Though you cant hear me
When I get trough
And feel you near me
I am driving home for christmas
Driving home for christmas
With a thousand memories
(Chris Rea, Driving Home for Christmas)