Take some distance

People can be very cruel to one another, due to their own sensibility. Cruel to be kind, one might say. In response to an unpleasant situation, or words that may seem hurting, they withdraw deep into their shells, just to think about it, without realising that this "thinking" and the following silence might do more harm than good.

The silences I know are of different kinds - the kind that rebuilds you, and lets you appear more shining than ever in front of everyone, prepared to face life's vicisitudes and more, even dare life to give you more, without being afraid; the kind that lets you see through friends and foes, and recognize the good that comes with the bad, and maybe put an end to the latter; the silence that is empty, the one that bears creation, the emotional silence, the one that watches movies, the one that stares at the walls, the silence of being hurt, and the one that precedes words of wisdom. There is one particular form of silence though, that also exists in the bravest of us, although reason may concede otherwise - it is the silence of cowardice. When you are afraid of what might come out of your thinking, of what you have done - or didn't do, and of the reactions (of silence) that you might trigger. And the longer you avoid it, the more painful are the words roll from your lips. Because at some point, the risk is to encounter - not anger, not despair, but sheer indifference.

Just tell me what you've got to say to me
I've been waiting for so long to hear the truth
It comes as no surprise at all you see
So cut the crap and tell me that we're through
(White Town, I Could Never Be Your Woman)

Video about a guy and his dog

Nee, my heart doesn't feel so bad at all, it's just that I liked the video so much. I wonder how much negotiation it will take with my mother to get myself a dog :)

Between the pain and the pleasure

I feel like I’m leaving
Like I’m leaving home
Like the clouds are parting, and I’m not alone
(Beth Hart, Learning to Live)

Morning song

Since the original by Heart, this must be the most touching and passionate interpretation of the song "Alone" I have heard in a long time. In the beginning Celine Dion does not seem very into the song, but just listen to her right after the verse "I never really cared until I met you" - she is so amazing! As it happens to most singers when they understand a song, she sings like she would be telling a real story, one that gives you chills to the bones (happened to listen to it this morning right after I woke up with fever, headache, dizziness... alone).

Only for one

I'm thinking about going to the Leonard Cohen concert in Bucharest with some friends. Should be in three weeks' time or so. We haven't yet decided, as some part of us still craves for doing things in a student manner. Unplanned, that is :)

The funny thing is I'm even thinking to go to this concert, as I'm not really a fan of Mr Cohen. During my university years, we used to sometimes listen to him in the evenings, and his deep voice used to trouble me and failed to lead me to sleep. Even now, there is only a limited number of songs of his which I enjoy to hear - and this poem, which seems a bit cynical to me. Maybe just a matter of interpretation on my side :))

Deciding what to do with the blog

I just need a way to figure out how to make it useful to others - as is was useful to me. In sharing my thoughts and states of mind with you, I got richer on the inside. And as I think that nothing comes for granted and that one's legacy consists of the things we leave in others - I will try to put in more useful information than gather my thoughts. That we could do together over coffee :-) so feel free to say hello whenever you are in town.

Anyway, as I feel it, a period of my life has ended - it was a nice period and I thoroughly enjoyed every part of it (well maybe the unpleasant aspects less but you know how it is :D...)

I don't know what this is
but you got me good
just like you knew you would

I don't know what you do
but you do it well
I'm under your spell
(Duffy, Mercy)

Flying to Maramures

This evening I am flying towards the north of the country. Hopefully the weather will be fine.

Take me and break me and close all your windows and doors.

Shut me off, cut me off, make me an island, I'm yours.

Take me away from the world, take me away from the girls.

Take me and break me and make me an island, I'm yours

(Joe Dolan, Make me an island)

To serve all, but love only one

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”
Honore de Balzac

This quote inspired my day yesterday. In trying to understand it, I first thought this was a love quote, one pertaining to the knights only loving the lady of their hearts, but behaving in a knightly manner with all others (kinda the “Lady in distress – let’s help” style). But how could this be the motto of wisdom as well? Whom does wisdom love, whom does wisdom serve, other than the intellectual needs of the narcissistic self? And above all, should we go for the mystical interpretation, does wisdom really love God – as might be implied?

Maybe this is what is meant through “love only one”. That wisdom has the kindness to share, to give away – be it knowledge, or compassion, or understanding, or help when it is needed. But, like us all, it needs strength to hold on to. This can be faith, or love, or a person… a guiding light towards which we strive. It also means to be loyal to a purpose – or to that one person or concept we behold as the centre of our ambitions.

But how many of us really live this way?

And this is where I find
Rays of dust that wrap around your citizen
Kind enough to disavow
And this is where I stand
(RHCP, Stadium Arcadium)

I don't even want to get over you

First of all, let me tell you that I don't believe in absolutes. I believe that everything is relative to a certain time and place, especially human relationships. I also believe each encounter we have is meant to teach us something in life, help us move on or make us reflect on what we really want to do.

Tonight, on returning from a visit to my dear aunt, I listened to a melody which I used to listen to in times of depression: A-ha, I'll Never Get Over You.



While listening to it again, especially after the clarity the mountains gave me, it got another meaning. You stay around people as long as they are interesting for you, as long as there is a difference they bring to your life that other people fail to do. At some point they become “common”, or you can't spend as much time together, or for whatever reasons you part and you start looking for meaning elsewhere. Here is where the “can't get over” part jumps in. There are people you can't get over. No matter how hard you try, they stick so hard in your mind and soul, and you remember them and see them in places you went to together and in touches of the seasons, in walks and symbols. So deep is your impression of them, that you start having imaginary conversations with them while walking, and even there is mud under your feet, you can still rise your head up and say “this is a great day”. Great, because you've had the chance to meet them, to spend time with them, to love them.

I could go on endlessly about these special people. They may be family, or friends, or maybe teachers or even people you've briefly met on voyages. Their faces and your shared experiences build a special world you truly can never get over.

And so – I refuse to believe that this song is about an obsessive love story, unrequited love or other sickness of the heart. It is a song of the endless loves of the moment that fill us and make us who we are.

You say you want some fun
You're not the only one
Not the only one
And you say you wanna run
You're not the only one
Not the only one
(A-ha, You'll never get over me)

What do I fear most?

More often than never, we fear stuff will happen that will affect us. We spend loads of time thinking about all possible ways to avoid the negative consequences we derive from what will happen – at times I imagine I see the movie of evil unwinding before my eyes so vividly as if it were the reality. I think I know where it ends, and even if some of the consequences were self-assumed, accepted as being inevitable and thought of, time and time again, there is hope I conceal, hope that they can and will be avoided... As it is with an illness that repeats itself cyclically, I fear departure as if it were a personal ending – and not a temporary one, that permits recommencing on solid basis again and again. For endings are definitive after certain times. No matter how much we want to trick ourselves into believing something else, there are events and periods in our lives which end, and never can be revived again the way they were. So there you go – I fear the end.

Turn the lights on the night is too long
Keep yourself warm I'm coming home
I cannot help you, you yourself must see
Decide now on what you want to be
(A-ha, Turn the Lights Down)

I am what I try to deny

There was an exercise I once did with some friends: we each danced our life's story on a randomly chosen melody. A solemn show for some, a comedy for the other. No dancing marvels performed, just some moulding in a foreign rhyhtm. The movements were flowing naturally, with some very brisk turnarounds at some points and at times difficult to understand. In each life there were things we could only imagine - some of us danced of lost loves, others of things we had experienced together. But not one of them danced of work. None of despair or of death. It was all the wonderful things in life that they imagined when moving to the sounds, the good they could do and the hope they held. And most of them were smiling while dancing.

This weekend I re-edited the exercise, while dancing to Gotan Project's La Viguela.

aquí me tumbo a cantar
al compás de la vigüela
que al hombre que lo desvela
una pena extraordinaria
como el ave solitaria
con el cantar se consuela

Clarke, Minghella die

Two days ago, two grand masters passed into another odyssey: Arthur C Clarke and Anthony Minghella.

The first one had me amazed at all the wondrous worlds he dreamt of, the second kept me weeping while watching The English Patient.

May they be joined by fellow souls.

Faith for reasons still unknown
Like bleak house fog seems everywhere
The truth has frozen into stone
And hope lies freezing in the midnight air
Though dark our days may seem
This is a different dream
Their freedom light dont shine at all
(Chris Rea, Candles)

New soul, making every possible mistake

Song lyrics | New Soul lyrics

Sway

When you are used to being gorgeous and loved, the sudden apparition of an even more gorgeous being around you gives you wings. For you know that there is still room to go to reach perfection.

Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak
(Dean Martin, Sway)

One of the stories yet to be told

To follow up on a previous post: sometimes it feels good just to drift away. Questions such as “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time” are as annoying as the indications linked to one’s age. “Aha, you’re 25 already, you should think about getting married.” Right, but to whom?

Sometimes I just let myself go to the moment, and what happens is that no world crumbles if you are not there to give it a sense of direction. So as of now, I declare myself on holiday.

Girls like tea
Girls like me
Some girls like everything that they see
(Lisa Stansfield, Treat me like a woman)

Thoughts on a sunny Saturday

Maybe love is a delta between wanting and being able to get – and the least able we are to touch the object of our alleged desire, the more we strive to get it. The more we can't have, the more we long for, only rarely noticing that maybe – just assume that for a second – we wish for the lives of others, and not our own.

Dance girl dance to your tunes

I wonder what would happen if a serious corporate suit guy would walk down the corridor and see me wrapped in an orange shawl and dancing to a tune in my head. Would he just stare and tell himself that I’m nuts or would he dance along?

This is worth trying, just to see the reaction.

Ive tried so not to give in
Ive said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist,
when baby will I know than well
That Ive got you under my skin
(Frank Sinatra, Under My Skin)

He said: what? She said: You.

Just had a brief look at my calendar: starting with the end of March I will be out of the country for almost three weeks, which is the longest time I’ve spent away from my dear ones in a long time. Hm, guess I will need to prepare for that.

Meanwhile, I am getting more and more hold of the opportunities presence in social networks can bring. Be it LinkedIn (more business-oriented), Xing (business network, mainly German and bordering regions), Facebook (I’m new to this one, still need to check it out) or Twitter (have been enjoying some posts there in a while), they all have the same purpose: getting people to connect and interact more than ever. Just being there does not attract attention – moving about does. Lately, both LinkedIn and Facebook have added Twitter-like status editing possibilities. If you are not an uber-busy business person, you may now want to tell your network what concerns you, what you are reading, what you are thinking about. Really useful, especially if these things will get to be indexed in some manner and create trails for people who are interested in you to follow. On the other hand, this immense knowledge repository will at some point become dangerous, with lots of personal info that can be used as marketing databases or for identity fraud.

Sooner or later I have the feeling this can be big, especially with more and more people using the networks. I am still amazed some of my friends do not enter the online game that has us all entangled.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
(Mika, Happy Ending)

Deci, ce vroiam sa zic...

Mediul corporatist romanesc este toropit de standardizare. Vorbind cu un prieten mai demult, ii spuneam ca poate mergem cu totii la traininguri ca sa invatam vocabularul de lemn care sa ne permita sa ne intelegem unii cu altii. La nivel de limbaj, avem cateva formulari fara de care banuiesc ca am invata cu totii limbajul semnelor. Sau am folosi o alta formula consacrata: “N-am cuvinte”. Sau am zice “Mai gad! Intelegi ce vreau sa zic”. Sincer… nu :)

Fata ce sa mai atata tot... Ai ma. Hai, vorbim. Sunteti scumpi. Mersi draga esti o dulce. Pupici. Sarutari de maini doamnei. Ma leshi. Inteleg inteleg. Da, sunt cu tine. Te urmaresc. Am o mica nelamurire. Am nevoie de o explicatie pentru asta. Maine ie dedlain. Sa fim pe aceeasi pagina. Da-mi un fidbec. Mama ce tare. Superbeton. Marfa frate, iti spun. Tre sa mergi la hasher. Deci, da. Desteapta treaba. Ce dracu, suntem buni. Sa se chinuie si ei un pic. Misto, frate, stii ca iti ziceam eu. La valoarea ta… Vorbim. Care e relevanta? Kilu meu. Stiu ca poti mai mult de atata. Bine ca esti tu destept. Te poooop.

Later edit: S-a cancelat intalnirea?

PS: Gasiti cateva exemple faine si la Florin, aici.

Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.
(Mika, My Interpretation)

A long time ago I got an ace of hearts

In the past few days I've been watching the series "Californication". The star of the show is David Duchovny, a female-addicted-dunno-where-to head-my life-to uninspired writer who struggles between his own fantasies and a boheme LA existence. At some point, he disappoints his 12-year daughter (again), so she tells him “You know, you can expect a lot from people. And if they consistently let you down, then the best you can tell them is Fuck you.”

This also goes for all the rest of the people who disappoint us. Consistently and knowingly.

You said that love was just a state of mind
A puzzle made of pieces you can't find
And for me you never really had the time
I was blind.
(A1, Caught in the Middle)