Close, no matter how far

“Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.” (Leanne Womack)

People worry about other people and help one another while they are close. I mean, it's normal, the others are our friends and after all it's in our own little egoistic interest that the ones around us are happy. It also makes us happy and contributes to the overall well-being of the Universe. Only to name a few of the benefits.

But... what do you do with people who need you, but are away? In what way can you help them? There are relationships which stay remarkably close, in spite of the distance. People telling you about things that happened in their lives and made them sad, and you really picking up on what they are saying and feeling for them. Making plans to go see them and be close to them and sustain them with good humor and optimism in their endeavor to get past unpleasant situations. I can remember a conversation with my mum, a long time ago. She was sick and I was several hundred kilometers away and I told her how sorry I was could do nothing for her. Whereas she said "Yes you can. Just talk to me, keep my spirits up, and then you'll come home and everything will be alright". Which I did, eventually, still feeling odd about not being able to get a pair of magical gloves and help her from the distance.

Anyway, some recent events have led me to believe that being close to somebody is less a question of distance than a question of will. You can be away from somebody and still care for her and do little things that you know would make her happy (such as sending a CD with your favourite music - or hers, for that matter). Or you can be far and say to yourself anything you might do would be in vain anyway, because physical distance also separates the souls. From my own experience, this is the most hurtful thing you can do to somebody reaching out for you. It is little things that act as magical gloves and keep friends close at a distance, without leaving them alone facing life's asperities: a lunch together from time to time, a few moments on the telephone, meeting in some place in the middle of the distance, a postcard saying nothing more than "Hey, I thought of you enough to send you these few lines"... Things that keep people warm at heart. Things that may seem pathetic for some, but which do make a difference.

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
(Rod Stewart, I Don't Wanna Talk About It)

Have you found wisdom yet?

There is often more wisdom to be found at the edges of life than in its middle. A life-threatening illness, for instance, may shuffle our values like a deck of cards. Sometimes a card that has been on the bottom of the deck for most of our lives turns out to be the top card, the thing that really matters. Having watched people sort their cards and play their hands in the presence of death for many years, I would say that most often the top card is love.

From an email sent a long time ago to some friends. Source unknown.

I strongly suspect Bob of getting close to some of that wisdom :)

Emaciated

I’ve been lucky to have learnt to swim at an early age, and swimming has since become a second nature to me. What I especially liked, back in Sibiu, was diving. In Sibiu you can actually swim in an Olympic sized swimming pool with 8 lanes, and there is also a deeper pool with a diving tower with 3m, 5m, 7m and 10m levels. For us little dolphins, the diving pool was only open on certain days, as it was considered dangerous to jump (because of various accidents etc). One day, when it was “ok” to go diving, we lined up and started. First we used the springboard, 1 m above the water. The instructor then led us to the platforms. Some of us did dive from 3m... but the more we climbed up the stairs, the more courage left us, as we seemed to be so high above the menacing blue water. At some point, the inevitable happened and one of us dived the wrong way. She hit herself quite hard on a side (in diving, especially when doing it from higher above, it is essential to enter the water perfectly vertical, or else the impact can harm you). I was next in line... and I suddenly felt like turning around presto and giving up diving. There was a moment when I looked at the water and my body refused to return there, for fear it would get hurt, just like my friend's had been.

Over the past few weeks I was sick, and the return to normality seems more difficult than I have expected, as there are some aspects in my general ability to fight off disease that are not particularly encouraging. I dread jumping into the water again, just like years ago, because of concerns regarding my health.

What I did back then, after looking at the water below, was to close my eyes and jump anyway, from 10m. The water, on entering, felt warm and embracing, and all that excited expectation of pain disappeared. It was not as if the doubt had disappeared, but the weight of it seemed to have been left behind. And as I resurfaced, I felt like lingering there, for it felt like my second nature indeed. No harm would come.

It'll work itself out fine

It just sometimes happens that we fail. Miserably. We let ourselves, as well as others, down. We do not fulfil our expectations for ourselves, nor do we fulfil others’ expectations for us. (A small digression needs to be made here: most young people today will jump up roaring “I don’t care about others, it’s myself I need to please and nobody else!”. Later on they still get the idea – that we live in a world that is interconnected. It is so, whether we like it or not, and every little thing we do has an echo in someone else's life. In my experience, the better idea is not to ignore this dependency.) Most of us know when we are back to square one, and in our minds initially accept it – not gladly but hey, at least we know where we stand, deep inside.
What differs is the way we choose to treat failure. We weather the storm in different ways - some of us fight, others defend themselves and search for justifications, a decent number ignore it altogether... I have seen but few people who really tried to understand the essence of their failure: what it was that led them to the dead point, where the mistakes were made, how they could find a way out. Out of these people, only the rarest chose to make the failure a part of them, not rejecting it, and moving on with the experience on board. Indeed, you need emotional strength to do this, acceptance and a certain kind of humility. It’s not easy and it is not always uplifting. What I admire most about these people is not that they rise from the ashes, we humans have done this since the beginning of life... it is the way they do it that is amazing. Besides getting themselves out of the hole, they help others out, as well. They internalise their failure, mishaps, drag-downs and re-shape them – and when you meet them, they don’t complain or overly describe their failure – but say and do things in such a way that you feel encouraged and at times - a better person.

Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(Guns'N'Roses, Patience)

Unintended

It must not always be sensuous and lustering. You must not show much skin, nor grin broadly, nor try to impress me with your knowledge. Nor smell like vanilla, or even chocolate, nor dance so much that throwing your hat onto the table should make the bottles of beer tremble. Not cherish the closure to make me feel trapped, nor too much of a distance to make me wonder if you are there. It is in your honesty and in your eyes when they are glowing with your heart. It never ceases to touch me in ways never understood by others, in secrets we forget and then reinvent. It opens you up to me, and takes my fear away from being hurt. Never rush – maybe it will be afraid and it will run away from you, not remembering that it needs you to exist. It resides in you barely touching my hand, and talking to me, and listening to me, not easy to forget, hard to let go. Just breathing your name makes me happy. For it is you.

Come here. The simple things

Via Ancuta, the song that suits today:

There's a wind that blows in from the north,
And it says that loving takes its course.
Come here. Come here.
No I'm not impossible to touch,
I have never wanted you so much.
Come here. Come here.
Have I never laid down by your side?
Baby, let's forget about this pride.
Come here. Come here.
Well, I'm in no hurry.
You don't have to run away this time.
I know that you're timid,but it's gonna be all right this time.
(Kath Bloom, Come Here)

While listening to the song the first time, I thought the end line said "I know that you're leaving, but it's gonna be alright this time".

I don't even want to get over you

First of all, let me tell you that I don't believe in absolutes. I believe that everything is relative to a certain time and place, especially human relationships. I also believe each encounter we have is meant to teach us something in life, help us move on or make us reflect on what we really want to do.

Tonight, on returning from a visit to my dear aunt, I listened to a melody which I used to listen to in times of depression: A-ha, I'll Never Get Over You.



While listening to it again, especially after the clarity the mountains gave me, it got another meaning. You stay around people as long as they are interesting for you, as long as there is a difference they bring to your life that other people fail to do. At some point they become “common”, or you can't spend as much time together, or for whatever reasons you part and you start looking for meaning elsewhere. Here is where the “can't get over” part jumps in. There are people you can't get over. No matter how hard you try, they stick so hard in your mind and soul, and you remember them and see them in places you went to together and in touches of the seasons, in walks and symbols. So deep is your impression of them, that you start having imaginary conversations with them while walking, and even there is mud under your feet, you can still rise your head up and say “this is a great day”. Great, because you've had the chance to meet them, to spend time with them, to love them.

I could go on endlessly about these special people. They may be family, or friends, or maybe teachers or even people you've briefly met on voyages. Their faces and your shared experiences build a special world you truly can never get over.

And so – I refuse to believe that this song is about an obsessive love story, unrequited love or other sickness of the heart. It is a song of the endless loves of the moment that fill us and make us who we are.

You say you want some fun
You're not the only one
Not the only one
And you say you wanna run
You're not the only one
Not the only one
(A-ha, You'll never get over me)

On mountains' lessons in thinking

There is a certain indulgence in writing a blog. You take the risk of being read by people who will not understand what you are writing about and will take their own round of interpretations, suited to an individual degree of knowing and interest in you. It's easier when you accept that all that you are writing falls into an abyss of words – sometimes not spoken and at times only uttered during daytime. Some may call it hypocrisy of the thought, while it is more a certain lack of direction. You write for yourself, sometimes launching messages incorrectly understood by the ones who read you. But that doesn't matter, because for you the act of writing unleashes the sort of internal energy which lets you whisper “yes, and now they will understand”. Well they don't.

Last week I returned from Austria with the clear vision and lasting happiness only snowy mountains and cold mountain lakes could give me. Certain things cleared up like the clouds from the hills in the morning, and sadness vanished as though it never was there. My friends and I have often had debates regarding the futility of persisting in dreaming the dreams and not living them out. So I was very glad to feel how cold thinking can really push dreams further into reality. Just like putting on the right pair of glasses, future now unwinds clearly and though unforeseen, the path is not frightful anymore but rewarding.

Wrapped in your arms where it's peaceful
Back in your arms where I'm happy
I would do anything gladly
Only to see you again
(Gloria Estefan, Wrapped)

Clarke, Minghella die

Two days ago, two grand masters passed into another odyssey: Arthur C Clarke and Anthony Minghella.

The first one had me amazed at all the wondrous worlds he dreamt of, the second kept me weeping while watching The English Patient.

May they be joined by fellow souls.

Faith for reasons still unknown
Like bleak house fog seems everywhere
The truth has frozen into stone
And hope lies freezing in the midnight air
Though dark our days may seem
This is a different dream
Their freedom light dont shine at all
(Chris Rea, Candles)

One of the stories yet to be told

To follow up on a previous post: sometimes it feels good just to drift away. Questions such as “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time” are as annoying as the indications linked to one’s age. “Aha, you’re 25 already, you should think about getting married.” Right, but to whom?

Sometimes I just let myself go to the moment, and what happens is that no world crumbles if you are not there to give it a sense of direction. So as of now, I declare myself on holiday.

Girls like tea
Girls like me
Some girls like everything that they see
(Lisa Stansfield, Treat me like a woman)

One change at a time

A friend's status, some days ago: It's a mark of a very very young soul to try and fix the world.

My answer: small comment: you can change the world so that it fixes itself someday
one little change at a time ;-)
Ana-Maria: :) nice one

A fact is, after so much talk about changing the world I'd rather focus on the small things in my own live. A couple of days ago we have had a strategy creation session for a client, with a very good exercise on comparing various strategic initiatives to the point of obtaining an action plan. Great stuff for the company, food for thought for myself - for there are so many things I want to do, people I want to see, places to visit etc. But how do I determine their relative importance to my life? How can I say that one thing that I do now is more important than another, when they are all so deeply interrelated?

Perhaps I should think about what all my present actions will determine in future. Perhaps I should follow a red path that will eventually lead me to the same light I imagine at the end. Perhaps I should do the way I feel, it has always helped me. Or maybe I should get a mentor and get him make sense of my life. Or maybe, just maybe, the answer lies ahead in the road I pursue, with all the people I meet with on the road, my eyes raised to a higher purpose. And whichever that higher purpose may be, it is good and it is filled with love.

PS: I'm listening to Portuguese Jazz for the day ;-) for absence must be replaced by music.

Litany against Fear

We fear many things – that we won’t get the right mark in our exams, that we will not be loved, that the ones we care about will die, that we will not get that promotion we wanted so badly and worked for... We do not admit to fearing, because fear gives birth to uncertainty, and our actions may look less composed if there are cracks in our armours.

So how do you take away the fear? Is it with love, the tender warm care that keeps you focused on the other and forgetful about the demons? Or is it by self-righteous forgetting, the long hours spent in looking at the shadows projected on empty walls. A long time ago, I took a long walk in the night of a foreign city, when I faced all the demons in my head and gave each one of them a name. They were in reach of my hand, and each time I tried to turn my face away, they re-appeared, endlessly multiplied by my ardent imagination. My fear of darkness died that night, and maybe there was more calmness in the way I saw the world from then on, knowing that demons can only tempt you and not take anything from you, if you don’t let them.

Anyway, of late I have noticed how many people still fear – fear itself, or maybe what they fear might happen (or not), pouring their energies into defenses so frail it could make the real fear burst into laughter. There is little we can do to to help others step outside their little castles built to fend off fear. What might work is to receive them into our lives with no expectations and letting our own fear of closeness go.

Chiquitita, tell me whats wrong
Youre enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that youre oh so sad, so quiet
(ABBA, Chiquitita)

How many lives must still be taken?...

The problem is not the Koran, nor the Torah or the Bible. The problem is never the faith, but the faithful and how they behave towards each other.
Kofi Annan

Closing Times

More than once have I heard the famous “A kick in the ass helps you go one step forward”. I guess that plays an important role in my New Year's resolutions for this year. On the 31st I opened a small notebook with certain decisions – or simply things to do in 2008, certain circles that need to be closed, people to be visited and sights to be seen. Among others, I asked myself what to do with the blog, and decided to still keep it as a companion, while trying to objectify the experiences more.

After much struggle and uncertainty, this will be a good year. For all of us.

Frodo: ... I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
(Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

Very personal: awguri and happy returns!

So it really is true: giving is more fun than receiving. I found that out during the past days, in Bucharest, then over the Maltese Christmas. It really feels so good to give something from all your heart, and expect no more than a smile in return, a laughter and maybe some small talk, some chatter meaning nothing but being there and having a good time together. The little happenings of life that matter are the ones that keep you going – a free bus ride into the unknown, watching the sea at midday, the painting of a wooden house, the joy of a loved one, a phone call from a friend getting the interview of his life, colours around your neck, a short kiss on the lips, admiring somebody's earrings... These are the ones you remember. It is them that make your life beautiful, friends and family and dear ones, the ones you feel warm with – the ones you feel home with.

The end of this year catches me in a sunny and quiet mood – as if all the troubles of this year were past me, in a place where they cannot reach me any more – in my mind all is peaceful, waiting for bliss. I wish you a blessed New Year!

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share
(Red Hot Chilli Peppers, I Could Die For You)

Simplifying myself

Some time ago I read a book called “How I became stupid”. It is a book about a young man who realizes to think is to suffer and frustrates himself on being smart (as he thinks this is the reason why nobody likes him). The ending is funny: after he tries various things to help him become dumber (drinking, getting a job as a broker, trying to commit suicide etc), he finds a girl who is as imaginatively astray as he is and off they ride into the night.

This weekend we were in Sibiu – I told you about this in my last post – and helped with building little houses for the Christmas fair. We also painted them – which took up most of Saturday and of Sunday. Imagine it was great. A bunch of people who do nothing but info gathering, data crunching and corporate emailing all day, all gathered in a place and painting little houses! It was by far the most relaxing weekend I have had in a long time, and I am looking forward to doing that again. Besides, it was fun, as the guys on my team were at their best in joking and telling stories.

Following this past weekend, I've decided that I must be employing much too serious a part of my head to think about completely useless things, so I have started an experiment. I want to see if thinking less will help me be better, calmer, and maybe wiser. The results until now are indeed encouraging – it kind of simplifies things and helps concentrate on the important ones.

I wish for this night-time to last for a life-time
The darkness around me - shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
(Nightwish, Sleeping Sun)

Fly on my wing

Harry Potter charmed a Patronus to guard him from the evil Dementors. The lesson he was taught in defending himself against the Dark was that he should think of a happy memory very hard – and project it against the evil. Harry thought of his parents and of their sacrifice – and fended the evil off.

When I was little, I was taught that there is no evil in darkness, and that if there was anything to trouble my sleep, I should think of something beautiful, like a green field with flowers or a waterfall, and all would be well - and so it was, although sometimes it took a lot of strength not to see captain Hook or some evil indians in the night of the room :))

My mum has her own “magic carpet” to fly through every day, a friend goes dancing, another one goes on dates. I like swimming and seeing the valleys from the top of the mountains... and it is countless happy times with my friends and with my family that I recall when there are no answers left in the coffee machine or in the laptop...

Give it a short thought: what makes you happy? Then... just do it :-)

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We ll find a place together
Fly on my wing
(Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Zephyr Song)

Hero of the Day

Bob nominated me as the “hero of the day” yesterday in her blog. For a change I was glad about it, so thanks Liebes :). My first thought was what hero of the day or of the week I could nominate – and there was none. (Well usually there is a hero popping up here and there, such as the Dalai Lama, a journalist friend, the nearby shop assistant etc… but I guess each one of us also has some permanent heroes to populate their lives with :))

Yesterday I met a friend from Sibiu in the subway. He has been in Bucharest for a longer time than I have been, owns a company and is the president of an NGO. Just flown in from a week in Turkey. Though he probably is happy, the traces of happiness were missing from his face. He seemed tired (why, I did not look fresh myself, but with him it was only will that elated the tiredness of the body and pulled it through) and was talking about business, how he hated a certain telecom company and what he had been doing lately in the organization he provides leadership for. Which was all great - but it did not sound like a life in the real sense - with love, privacy, warm and bright things...

So although his life seemed to be filled and fulfilling – he was not my hero of the day.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
(Keane, Crystal Ball)

Turn the tide

I once wrote to a very dear friend that our inner wishes have a funny way of coming true. We can ignore them for as much as we like, but at some point they are twisting your hand to go their way. Let's just say that sometimes in life you really need a hard kick to come back to your senses, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking and start living again – as you were.

Last night I finally got the point of that kick.

Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Living the strangest life

Lately I have been so lost between deadlines and things to do for work, for the house, for my life, that I have almost forgotten to live. So I woke up last night, in the November wind, only to find that the cold of winter is all around. I sort of panicked, because it seems like yesterday I felt the first touches of autumn. I assume the transition seems very brisk to me because of all the changes it encompasses.

There is no "too soon" for me. All happens at the right time, it's just that it sometimes we are out of phase with our own time. After waiting endlessly for things to happen, we are all like email receivers set on “special notices” or “weekly digests”. We never notice when something is bound to happen, because our perception of “happenings” is distorted. So much goes on every day that we are too busy to respond and rarely notice the important stuff.

A friend told me last night that he only went to concerts to remember, and at first I called him a snob. Only now I find that he is right – as long as you know how to choose these concerts that make out the cream of the crop.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
(Coldplay, The Scientist)