The Theory about The One

You know about the One, I bet on it. He was your best-in-class colleague, envied by all. The little girl with a mysterious smile living next door you wish you’d said Hello to at least once. The Alice who has moved out, your first love, the guy you are into right now, the boy you never could tell you liked, that beauty you kissed on the lips once, in a club, and never met afterwards. That childhood friend who died, your one-night office romance, that brunette in whom you found your match, your chess teacher, a remote relative.

The One is that singular person you feel from the very beginning will play a special role for you. The role of a mentor, of a life’s possibility, of a new path. In time, he or she gradually elates into a product of your projection onto them. They are the kindest, the smartest, the best and most unique you’ve ever met or will again. Their gestures seem, at times, to point the way. You memorize them like an anthem you sing in your own temple for them. Sometimes it does materialize into something real. At times, it doesn’t. For the weak, this means months of pointless wandering, comparing, maybe daydreaming, it is an endless search for what they prevent from ever matching by setting the barrier of perfection. The strong ones just sever it all. Bring all thoughts to an end – quit the “One” just like they would cigarettes, by replacing it with something else. Boast on moving on. Neither ever forget.

You see, I know you. I’ve heard about your story from the others, or maybe you have told me all about your One who makes you smile, whom you once lost, whom you’ve just met, married or are still dreaming of. Just… allow yourself the benefit of reasonable doubt before melting into your imagination. It might save you from yourself.

We say these words again and again
But they still sound the same
It was in your eyes, in your eyes
They were just easy lies

The lightest words are heavy
And promises are easy
And no one's ever happy or sad for very long
But just because I said it
It doesn't mean I meant it
I guess that was the way all along
(Keane, Again&Again)

Close, no matter how far

“Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.” (Leanne Womack)

People worry about other people and help one another while they are close. I mean, it's normal, the others are our friends and after all it's in our own little egoistic interest that the ones around us are happy. It also makes us happy and contributes to the overall well-being of the Universe. Only to name a few of the benefits.

But... what do you do with people who need you, but are away? In what way can you help them? There are relationships which stay remarkably close, in spite of the distance. People telling you about things that happened in their lives and made them sad, and you really picking up on what they are saying and feeling for them. Making plans to go see them and be close to them and sustain them with good humor and optimism in their endeavor to get past unpleasant situations. I can remember a conversation with my mum, a long time ago. She was sick and I was several hundred kilometers away and I told her how sorry I was could do nothing for her. Whereas she said "Yes you can. Just talk to me, keep my spirits up, and then you'll come home and everything will be alright". Which I did, eventually, still feeling odd about not being able to get a pair of magical gloves and help her from the distance.

Anyway, some recent events have led me to believe that being close to somebody is less a question of distance than a question of will. You can be away from somebody and still care for her and do little things that you know would make her happy (such as sending a CD with your favourite music - or hers, for that matter). Or you can be far and say to yourself anything you might do would be in vain anyway, because physical distance also separates the souls. From my own experience, this is the most hurtful thing you can do to somebody reaching out for you. It is little things that act as magical gloves and keep friends close at a distance, without leaving them alone facing life's asperities: a lunch together from time to time, a few moments on the telephone, meeting in some place in the middle of the distance, a postcard saying nothing more than "Hey, I thought of you enough to send you these few lines"... Things that keep people warm at heart. Things that may seem pathetic for some, but which do make a difference.

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
(Rod Stewart, I Don't Wanna Talk About It)

About fears

Have you ever noticed how fearful we all are? As kids we are scared and thus hit first, so as not to be hit ourselves. Small boys don’t really know what to do when they see others cry, so they ignore it or laugh at tears as a sign of weakness. Later on, as teenagers we are scared about what others will think about our looks. We fear that having no boyfriend / girlfriend will decrease our social likeability. Then, when we do get one, we are afraid he/she will leave us. If this doesn’t happen, we are afraid we are being cheated on. After we start an argument and end up alone, we fear nobody will love us anymore. When someone finally turns up, we fear we are not liked for who we really are, but for some obscure reasons that have nothing to do with our real selves (such as our parents, our money, our cars or because we look good on TV). We fear getting married because we will be confined to a double loneliness, we fear a divorce because it will leave us alone. Our children’s illnesses scare us because of the death they entail, we fear our parents’ aging because it will leave us facing the care they gave us as children, we fear our sickness because it gives us that sense of helplessness, of not being in control. We plunge into jobs to feel safe again, and then we continue to fear that our performance is mediocre, that our boss does not like us, that we get less money than others, that our outfit is not “office” enough and of course, that changing the job will only bring on the same fears.

And so we continue on our spiral of anxiety. Only in some brief moments do we discover the beauty of life and the hundreds of good things that happen to us every day, that give it meaning and make it worth living, with no unnecessary time spent on worrying. Life just has a way to bring a smile on our faces again, but more often than never we choose to ignore it, because fearing and worrying has been ingrained so deep in our minds.

I wrote this as a “thank you” note for only a few friends who let me know today, in own little ways, that they cared. It was enough to make me smile.

It'll work itself out fine

It just sometimes happens that we fail. Miserably. We let ourselves, as well as others, down. We do not fulfil our expectations for ourselves, nor do we fulfil others’ expectations for us. (A small digression needs to be made here: most young people today will jump up roaring “I don’t care about others, it’s myself I need to please and nobody else!”. Later on they still get the idea – that we live in a world that is interconnected. It is so, whether we like it or not, and every little thing we do has an echo in someone else's life. In my experience, the better idea is not to ignore this dependency.) Most of us know when we are back to square one, and in our minds initially accept it – not gladly but hey, at least we know where we stand, deep inside.
What differs is the way we choose to treat failure. We weather the storm in different ways - some of us fight, others defend themselves and search for justifications, a decent number ignore it altogether... I have seen but few people who really tried to understand the essence of their failure: what it was that led them to the dead point, where the mistakes were made, how they could find a way out. Out of these people, only the rarest chose to make the failure a part of them, not rejecting it, and moving on with the experience on board. Indeed, you need emotional strength to do this, acceptance and a certain kind of humility. It’s not easy and it is not always uplifting. What I admire most about these people is not that they rise from the ashes, we humans have done this since the beginning of life... it is the way they do it that is amazing. Besides getting themselves out of the hole, they help others out, as well. They internalise their failure, mishaps, drag-downs and re-shape them – and when you meet them, they don’t complain or overly describe their failure – but say and do things in such a way that you feel encouraged and at times - a better person.

Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(Guns'N'Roses, Patience)

Caring is sharing is doing

Diving in deep into life, photography and all the things we love and enjoy falls easy – and always depends on how much we care about stuff. When I meet someone for dinner or coffee, it’s because I usually care enough about the respective person as to spend some pleasant moments in their company. If I don’t care, it’s quite obvious I won’t be driving for 150km just to see them, or join them for some fancy cooking night.

There is no negative message I want to convey – as always, our choices lead the path and get us where we are. Sometimes we are eager to challenge the others’ choices, and to criticize them. More often than never, it is because we do not understand them. Does the famous line “Is this how much you care about me?” ring a bell? Well, then you know the answer. It’s always “yes”.

Me va, me va, me va, me va, me va
Hacer amigos, andar caminos, me va, me va
Soar contigo y haber nacido para cantar,
Me va el amor de verdad.
(Julio Iglesias, Me Va, Me Va)

Taping, measuring, evaluating

And by the way I loved the following post from Ancuta: http://nareda.blogspot.com/2008/03/you-can-always-sell-any-dream-to-me.html

Could it be that things are really that simple? That you measure out the other's life, only to see if it fits into yours. That you employ measurments of words, of coffee spoons and of looks to quantify to what extent we care. That you always take into consideration all accounts, and calculate and ellaborate - and finally reach an economically sized business decision on whether or not people fit in.

I think somebody's playing tricks on us :)

Let me down and you will convince me

Oh the taste of tea, the sweet, milk-sugary taste that you wish would last forever... You want to drink more and more of it and make it find no end. It's the same with disappointment, happiness, or loss. Sometimes you dip so deep, indulge in its nearness, almost drown within the warm walls of the feeling, that are so near you can almost touch them. You make them all stare at you, while you either beam or show a happy face, just proud to feel anything at all – and keen to show you do.

Nobody will believe you unless you let them down. Say nothing of where you are and what you feel, and they will leave their snowdrop heads down, as if no water had come to them for days. Make yourself disappear, it's a common form of disappointing. Show you are cool, and they will think you have forsaken them. Bestow no detail of you upon them, and they will frown when you do, because they will not know how much of yourself you have left for them to cut to imagination. And to all our dismay, imagination has the utter talent of exploring all non-happening variants, and so provides tons of feeling material and long, bittery sweet taste.

How deep and strong a faith must one have to even dare to think everything will work out fine?

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.
(Leonard Cohen, In My Secret Life)

Very personal: awguri and happy returns!

So it really is true: giving is more fun than receiving. I found that out during the past days, in Bucharest, then over the Maltese Christmas. It really feels so good to give something from all your heart, and expect no more than a smile in return, a laughter and maybe some small talk, some chatter meaning nothing but being there and having a good time together. The little happenings of life that matter are the ones that keep you going – a free bus ride into the unknown, watching the sea at midday, the painting of a wooden house, the joy of a loved one, a phone call from a friend getting the interview of his life, colours around your neck, a short kiss on the lips, admiring somebody's earrings... These are the ones you remember. It is them that make your life beautiful, friends and family and dear ones, the ones you feel warm with – the ones you feel home with.

The end of this year catches me in a sunny and quiet mood – as if all the troubles of this year were past me, in a place where they cannot reach me any more – in my mind all is peaceful, waiting for bliss. I wish you a blessed New Year!

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share
(Red Hot Chilli Peppers, I Could Die For You)

You give yourself away

Sometimes, the troubles of others seem to be the only place you can hide your own sadness. So you dip very deep into them, take a fresh breath and a pair of horse eye glasses and pretend that the world is actually not bad to you, it is so to everybody – which of course always makes you feel better.

There are countless discussions I've had this year, with friends who thought their existence was closely tied to one achievement, to one retorted feeling, to possession or to consummation. Many times I have asked myself the question – what does it all come down to, in the end? Is it really tied together in such a narrow fashion that our own happiness really depends on the kindness and responsivity of others? Blanche DuBois depended on the kindness of strangers – but is that not a misrepresentation? It leads us to a life that does not belong to us, but to the ones who show us kindness. On the other hand, this daily interconnection and that we cannot exist without the others moves us forward, so giving it up would only leave us bare and exposed to winds and coldness.

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?
(Amy Winehouse, Will you still love me tomorrow?)

Guess what I found...

I've had a nice weekend, I hope you had one just the same. A friend celebrated his birthday on Friday evening with a student party, where we danced, ate pancakes and drank good Moldavian wine. Saturday was meant for sleeping, and watching the TV series made for “Children of Dune”; it reminded me of a beautiful time in my life, the discovery of “Dune” and of shared loneliness. Together with a friend, I enjoyed a lunch walk through the park and we smothered in the rays of the late autumn sun. Later on, indulging in a big cup of milk coffee, while allowing myself the patience to read, my back rubbed against the warm central heating, inspired me for the work week to come.

Yes, it was a weekend spent for myself, and it was enjoyable because it brought me peace and helped me think less about abstract things, but enjoy the immediate, brought me in touch with a reality I dreamt of so long in my head.

A che serve piangere / What’s the use of crying

Rinunciare a vivere / And denying what you feel

Resta qua se ti va / Stay here if you will

Non pensare abbracciami / But don’t think, just hold me

Lasciami sognare / Let me dream

La tua pelle morbida / Of your velvet skin

Voglio accarezzare / Skin that I yearn to caress

E finchè non avrò / And for as long as

Anche l’anima / You’re unable to give yourself

Io sarò sempre sulla tua scia / I shall never give up trying

Non puoi fuggire / It’s pointless to run away

Perchè sei mia / Because you’re mine

Perchè ti voglio / Because I want you

Perchè mi vuoi / And because you want me

Un mondo si apre / There’s a whole world there for the taking

Intorno a noi / And it’s opening up around us

(Andrea Bocelli, Cantico)

(Lyrics translation courtesy to http://www.abmusica.com/song_index.htm)

Hero of the Day

Bob nominated me as the “hero of the day” yesterday in her blog. For a change I was glad about it, so thanks Liebes :). My first thought was what hero of the day or of the week I could nominate – and there was none. (Well usually there is a hero popping up here and there, such as the Dalai Lama, a journalist friend, the nearby shop assistant etc… but I guess each one of us also has some permanent heroes to populate their lives with :))

Yesterday I met a friend from Sibiu in the subway. He has been in Bucharest for a longer time than I have been, owns a company and is the president of an NGO. Just flown in from a week in Turkey. Though he probably is happy, the traces of happiness were missing from his face. He seemed tired (why, I did not look fresh myself, but with him it was only will that elated the tiredness of the body and pulled it through) and was talking about business, how he hated a certain telecom company and what he had been doing lately in the organization he provides leadership for. Which was all great - but it did not sound like a life in the real sense - with love, privacy, warm and bright things...

So although his life seemed to be filled and fulfilling – he was not my hero of the day.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
(Keane, Crystal Ball)

Dancing in the November lights

They asked me could it be that you have quit dancing for yourself? So I smiled and asked when did I ever... ?

A good friend celebrated her birthday in Becker Brau last evening, so we had some fun with friends, dancing to pop-rock music and enjoying ourselves. I particularly liked the relaxed atmosphere, the live music and the fact that the place was not crowded. Besides the not so brilliant service (my first question, if there was any food, was answered by a brisk No that cut my appetite instantly), one can enjoy the unfiltered beer, the roomy space and the music – mostly 80's and 90's, with the house band singing covers of virtually anything (from Bon Jovi to Jerry Lee Lewis to Tina Turner and thru Pink Floyd). And in the end I also got some food...

In the weekend I will be at home, so have fun and make sure that you stay close to what you really wish for ;)

She said: "Baby our love's just like your songs
The beat ain't bad but the words are all wrong
It's time to pack my bags, it's time to just move on"
She sang: "Johnny, I'm gone, gone, gone"
And she was gone, yeah
(Bon Jovi, Queen of New Orleans)

Everloving

Wishing what you wish for can dig holes in your soul, because people are not to blame for your emotional storms. Even if we always try to set the blame on others, it is still a matter of self consciousness how you treat those emotions, how you let them flow and how you direct them in order to keep others or yourself from pain. People cannot be held responsible for your reaction to their behaviour. It's all a game that is played in your mind.

There are times when the voices inside me beg for a scream, and all I have for you is smile and warmth.

Lord God Almighty let me tell the news
my head got wet in midnight dew
great God i been down on my bended knee
stalking to a man from galilee
michael spoke and he sound so sweet
i thought i heard the shuffle of angels' feet
He put one hand upon my head
great God Almighty let me tell you what He said
(Moby, Run On)

Vienna: Die Stadt gehort Dir

Writing about Vienna is like writing about my home, or about about a past life as a Viennese. There are few places where I have felt like home, and one of them is Vienna. I had the joy to visit the city again in the past weekend, together with a friend who had never been there before. Besides the pleasure of seeing some familiar places again (like the Stephansdom, Hundertwasserhaus and the Belvedere palace), there were some new ones we discovered and enjoyed.

Saturday morning was quite chilly, as we started strolling on the Mariahilfer street, well-known for being a shopping paradise. A short U-bahn ride brought us to the Naschmarkt – an antiquarians meeting place combined with a market selection of wines, soaps, meat types, vegetables and fruit from all over Europe and the world. Chinese, Turks, Greeks, Italians and many others mingled to form the most colorful blend of food and customs in the city. Later on, we had real schnitzel for lunch in what must be the temple of the best schnitzels in Vienna, called the Schnitzelwirt (Neubaugasse 52). Besides the immense portions, the service was irreproachable and the waiter grinned merrily at seeing us two sweat with the effort of devouring the meal… In the Griensteindl Café (a literary café close to the Kohlmarktgasse and the more famous Café Demel), I had the best cappuccino in a long time, to go with a chocolate-free slice of Malakoff cake. A night walk to the Danube brought us to the Hundertwasserhaus and then, to contrast it, to Vienna’s International Centre. The place was obviously built as a home to office and governmental buildings and I assume it looks like a termit house during daylight. When we arrived there at 9pm, it looked as empty as a deserted world after a Resident Evil raid. The evening ended in Pandora’s Box, a local pub with diverse music, enjoyable beer and funny Austrian guys; we entered because we heard The Doors inside and left when they hit the reggae disks.

Sunday was the cultural day – I satisfied my art appetite after two modern painting exhibitions – one taking pride in Monet and Picasso at the Albertina gallery, the second displaying Cezanne, Matisse, Toulouse-Lautrec, the Fauves and even Brancusi at the Lower Belvedere galleries.

The funny feeling on returning was that there was a life that waited for me to come back here. Unlike other times, when returning felt like going through a tunnel of glass paper to adapt to the old habits, I felt happy and relaxed. Now I know that Arcadia is close :-)

I'm coming home to you
I'm alive I'm a mess
I can't wait to get home to you
To get warm and undressed
There've been changes beyond my dreams;
Everybody wants me to sing
There've been changes beyond my grasp;
Things I'm sinking in

Nothing falls like London Rain
Nothing heals me like you do
(Heather Nova, London Rain)

Walking the right streets

A friend of mine did a brave thing a few days ago: although he was one inch away from getting a certain job in Bruxelles - very badly I may add, as I saw his enthusiasm from the beginning of the application - he still had the inner strength to put down all the pro and against arguments, and decided against taking up the position. The decision involved a financial component, but it was ultimately the fact that the job would have made him sway from his chosen professional path that convinced him to renounce.

It takes a lot of nerve to do against your heart's bidding - but as long as you feel that is the right decision for you, just walk on. Dreams are often fulfilled just around the corner.

Aint no angel gonna greet me
Its just you and I my friend
My clothes dont fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip the skin
(Bruce Springsteen, Streets of Philadelphia)

Old habits get worn off

Seeing somebody from my past almost always brings back good memories, and having them around sparks very inspiring discussions. You might say I am a nostalgic, but sometimes I like dipping in the years gone by and try to find a meaning in them, a red line that leads to an ending. It is not always this way. Past really is only what we make of it... and sometimes it makes no sense. There are people who have meant something special to you at some point or the other, and later on, when you lose them, you try to find a meaning in their presence. There even can be one at times, but remember even that is deceiving. People and things only bear the symbols you invest them with. A necklace I have got from a friend will only signify for me the good memories and times I have enjoyed with this friend. My mum's photo holding my dog will take me back to the moments when we had the dog and it woke me up by licking my face in the morning :)

The point is: although it's nice to walk the shadows of past, hooking into it can make you lose grips with everyday reality. My experience has showed me that living the moment provides for the brightest memories, and that past is no place to live in.

We haven't spoken in months

You see i've been counting the days

I dream of such humanities, such insanities

I'm lost like a kid and i'm late

But i've never taken your coats

Haven't no block on my phone

I act like an addict, i just got to have it

I can never just leave it alone

(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart, Old Habits Die Hard)

My green hour in Green Hours

There is some good jazz over this weekend in Green Hours, Afro Cuba Blues tonight and Eldad Tarmu Chamber Jazz Ensemble tomorrow evening.

Later edit: Because of the rain, my green hours turned Kilkenny Red in Terminus. Will I be more lucky tomorrow evening?

By the way, did you know what the origin of "green hours" is? The green hour is the time interval after 17.00, when for the Brits it was a time for relaxation, listening to music and talking, up to the dinner that was scheduled around 19.00.

Times of your life

Outside it's raining cats and dogs and I am waiting for my friend to arrive. I only see her once a year (she lives in Germany) and we always create unique moments when she's here. In some way, my life is sized up between her two arrivals. It's funny, cutting slices of life between moments :) and having those wonderful, wonderful times of talking, getting up to date with our lives, getting drunk, going to bed at 4 in the morning, dancing and feeling sunny like a summer's day.

Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp
Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp
(Schnappi, Das kleine Krokodil)

Is there freedom in the absence of a choice?

Tonight we were all free: with music (Noe: send my regards to Danny Filth :) I'll be there for the Dandy Warhols on Saturday), travelling (girls, you know I don't miss Germany at all but hope that you will like it) and movie (I loved "California Dreamin" by Romanian director Cristian Nemescu... although it was cold, we had the best time ever laughing in our deck chairs at E Uranus, drinking beer and witnessing a live tale of our very own country :)) ).

Plus: I got a tent and a serious intent to use it ;)

Stelele care cad / The stars which fall

Nu pier / Don't die

Stelele care cad / The stars which fall

Se duc pe un alt cer. / Just go to another sky.

(Taxi, Stelele care cad)

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

Almost 7 months after I got the “leapsha” (:) Romanian expression meaning so much as passing the monkey) from Doru, I finally manage to close the circle and answer.

I have never smoked, nor did anybody manage to convince me to do it.
Riding the bicycle was my childhood’s passion. I rode up to Balea Lac, to Brasov, I rode through the whole Sibiu area… through the rain, with friends, alone, in a skirt, up a mountain… and it was great!
I am either terrible when cooking anything or I cook such exotic stuff as chicken with apple or cucumber, tomato and oranges salad. They actually taste good, but nobody wants to test ;)
When I was little I wanted to become a detective. After some failed attempts to elucidate mysteries, I gave up and concentrated on becoming an ambassador instead :).
My biggest hobby is watching movies, although I do not own a collection of them.

Et voila, I am passing the “leapsha” to Dragos.