The Theory about The One

You know about the One, I bet on it. He was your best-in-class colleague, envied by all. The little girl with a mysterious smile living next door you wish you’d said Hello to at least once. The Alice who has moved out, your first love, the guy you are into right now, the boy you never could tell you liked, that beauty you kissed on the lips once, in a club, and never met afterwards. That childhood friend who died, your one-night office romance, that brunette in whom you found your match, your chess teacher, a remote relative.

The One is that singular person you feel from the very beginning will play a special role for you. The role of a mentor, of a life’s possibility, of a new path. In time, he or she gradually elates into a product of your projection onto them. They are the kindest, the smartest, the best and most unique you’ve ever met or will again. Their gestures seem, at times, to point the way. You memorize them like an anthem you sing in your own temple for them. Sometimes it does materialize into something real. At times, it doesn’t. For the weak, this means months of pointless wandering, comparing, maybe daydreaming, it is an endless search for what they prevent from ever matching by setting the barrier of perfection. The strong ones just sever it all. Bring all thoughts to an end – quit the “One” just like they would cigarettes, by replacing it with something else. Boast on moving on. Neither ever forget.

You see, I know you. I’ve heard about your story from the others, or maybe you have told me all about your One who makes you smile, whom you once lost, whom you’ve just met, married or are still dreaming of. Just… allow yourself the benefit of reasonable doubt before melting into your imagination. It might save you from yourself.

We say these words again and again
But they still sound the same
It was in your eyes, in your eyes
They were just easy lies

The lightest words are heavy
And promises are easy
And no one's ever happy or sad for very long
But just because I said it
It doesn't mean I meant it
I guess that was the way all along
(Keane, Again&Again)

Take some distance

People can be very cruel to one another, due to their own sensibility. Cruel to be kind, one might say. In response to an unpleasant situation, or words that may seem hurting, they withdraw deep into their shells, just to think about it, without realising that this "thinking" and the following silence might do more harm than good.

The silences I know are of different kinds - the kind that rebuilds you, and lets you appear more shining than ever in front of everyone, prepared to face life's vicisitudes and more, even dare life to give you more, without being afraid; the kind that lets you see through friends and foes, and recognize the good that comes with the bad, and maybe put an end to the latter; the silence that is empty, the one that bears creation, the emotional silence, the one that watches movies, the one that stares at the walls, the silence of being hurt, and the one that precedes words of wisdom. There is one particular form of silence though, that also exists in the bravest of us, although reason may concede otherwise - it is the silence of cowardice. When you are afraid of what might come out of your thinking, of what you have done - or didn't do, and of the reactions (of silence) that you might trigger. And the longer you avoid it, the more painful are the words roll from your lips. Because at some point, the risk is to encounter - not anger, not despair, but sheer indifference.

Just tell me what you've got to say to me
I've been waiting for so long to hear the truth
It comes as no surprise at all you see
So cut the crap and tell me that we're through
(White Town, I Could Never Be Your Woman)

Close, no matter how far

“Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.” (Leanne Womack)

People worry about other people and help one another while they are close. I mean, it's normal, the others are our friends and after all it's in our own little egoistic interest that the ones around us are happy. It also makes us happy and contributes to the overall well-being of the Universe. Only to name a few of the benefits.

But... what do you do with people who need you, but are away? In what way can you help them? There are relationships which stay remarkably close, in spite of the distance. People telling you about things that happened in their lives and made them sad, and you really picking up on what they are saying and feeling for them. Making plans to go see them and be close to them and sustain them with good humor and optimism in their endeavor to get past unpleasant situations. I can remember a conversation with my mum, a long time ago. She was sick and I was several hundred kilometers away and I told her how sorry I was could do nothing for her. Whereas she said "Yes you can. Just talk to me, keep my spirits up, and then you'll come home and everything will be alright". Which I did, eventually, still feeling odd about not being able to get a pair of magical gloves and help her from the distance.

Anyway, some recent events have led me to believe that being close to somebody is less a question of distance than a question of will. You can be away from somebody and still care for her and do little things that you know would make her happy (such as sending a CD with your favourite music - or hers, for that matter). Or you can be far and say to yourself anything you might do would be in vain anyway, because physical distance also separates the souls. From my own experience, this is the most hurtful thing you can do to somebody reaching out for you. It is little things that act as magical gloves and keep friends close at a distance, without leaving them alone facing life's asperities: a lunch together from time to time, a few moments on the telephone, meeting in some place in the middle of the distance, a postcard saying nothing more than "Hey, I thought of you enough to send you these few lines"... Things that keep people warm at heart. Things that may seem pathetic for some, but which do make a difference.

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
(Rod Stewart, I Don't Wanna Talk About It)

Eureka!

Ladies and gents, and all other kind people randomly reading this blog – the truth is out in the open now and resistance is futile: Men cannot read your mind. Period. They can’t! Among their several other great qualities, this one does not stand out. Hell, it’s not even on the list! Be it your dad, your boyfriend, brother, colleague, friend etc – they can’t read thoughts, much less act on the thoughts they should have read and interpreted and thus get brilliant ideas of how to get you (or themselves) out of trouble.

Bob had actually tried to tell me this at some point, and I laughed myself dead at the tone she used, but she was so right. Of course, this epochal breakthrough will not make anybody’s life any big lot easier – or harder, for that matter, the knowledge of it might however help in understanding some happenings. Until recently, I was very pissed with my dad, as he was visiting me at the time my illness had begun – and although he could have, he didn’t drive me to the doctor when I had my appointment. When we talked about this later, he said he’d always been so convinced I can handle most things on my own, that he thought he’d also let me handle this one. As it turned out later, the little cold was more than it seemed, and that is when he apologised and asked me to tell him next time when I need help -- literally. (As in: "Dad, I need you to drive me to the doctor's at 4 PM today".)

Coming back to the topic of the post: if you feel like somebody in your life doesn’t get the message (happens mostly to men, but it can also hit women) – then he or she really didn’t. You need to find a way to communicate it directly to them, instead of sitting home by yourself, making scenarios and killing off precious little gray cells.

Have you found wisdom yet?

There is often more wisdom to be found at the edges of life than in its middle. A life-threatening illness, for instance, may shuffle our values like a deck of cards. Sometimes a card that has been on the bottom of the deck for most of our lives turns out to be the top card, the thing that really matters. Having watched people sort their cards and play their hands in the presence of death for many years, I would say that most often the top card is love.

From an email sent a long time ago to some friends. Source unknown.

I strongly suspect Bob of getting close to some of that wisdom :)

Don't fake the real you

Don’t fake it. They’ll notice. That is, unless they are too busy doing some faking of their own. Don’t get entangled in trying to seem what you are not. Don’t fake your concern over something that barely touches your interest area. Don’t fake liking music you don’t like, your face will give you out faster than you are able to humm the first two lines. Don’t fake friendships just to keep up appearances. They’ll hate you for it. Don’t fake your not feeling miserable following a breakup. Express your feelings and shout into fountains what you don’t want the world to hear. Don’t fake your liking of a food, it’ll make you sick soon enough. Don't fake being a careful parent while you are hitting your child in the street. Don't say your employees are your most highly regarded asset while treating them miserably. Don’t pretend you want to do something you don’t – and don’t give me that pretense of a line called “I didn’t know anybody was going to be hurt”. You did know, but wanted to test it. Don’t fake it – if not for their sake, at least out of respect for yourself. Be genuine. You’ll save everybody precious time.

Nacer en tu risa
Crecer en tu llanto
Vivir en tu espalda
Morir en tus brazos
(Cesaria Evora, Tiempo y silencio)

Counting the incompleteness of the self

In the past days, a statistical wave went over me, and I started to count the people I know. That is, indexing the people on my business mobile phone, my personal one, LinkedIn, FaceBook, Xing, YMessenger etc. The conclusion is that I have personally met and randomly stayed in contact with around 850 people. Out of these, it is less than 20 that I have talked to face to face in the past month, less than 10 who are close to me on a personal level and less than 5 that I would wake up in the middle of the night for.

That is some scary statistics. But then again, incompleteness of the self demands for completion through others :)

PS: Last evening on the streets of Bucharest there were some ladies cleaning the streets, probably gipsies. Brooming and stuff. One of them had stopped working and was writing an SMS.

We got it together didn't we
We definitely got our thing together don't we baby
Isn't that nice
I mean really, when you really sit and think about it
Isn't it really, really nice
I could easily feel myself slipping more and more away to
That simple world of my own
Nobody but you and me
We got it together baby
(Barry White, My First, My Last, My Everything)

Complexity of women rediscovered

Conversation with our program manager yesterday:

PM: You must understand this is a complex client: the deadlines are changing, the scope of the project is changing, the deliverables are changing...
The Sundancer: That's why they say women are complex...

5 motive pentru care imi place sa merg la mall

Dupa ce am citit postul Ancutei despre mall, am avut o mica revelatie: mie imi place la mall! Oricare din ele... Vedeti mai jos si cateva motive pentru care weekendul sau serile la mall nu sunt asa de rele cum par.

1. E cel mai bun loc unde afli care sunt ultimele tendinte in moda. Vezi atatea exemple de prost gust, incat prin eliminare afli si cam ce se poarta.
2. Iti vin idei de afaceri si de promovare. Util mai ales daca lucrezi in marketing, evaluezi cam pe unde sa ma pui un banner nou, un gand rau concurentei ca sa obtii un nou spatiu petru magazinul tau etc.
3. Ai ce sa povestesti luni la serviciu. “Auzi draga, l-am vazut pe Vio ieri la mall. Ghici cu cine era?” Pe bune acum, de unde poti sa scoti mai multe evidente despre diverse relatii daca nu din faptul ca cei doi se duc la mall impreuna?.
4. De punctul dinainte se leaga si faptul ca Mall-ul este noul parc, odata ce te plimbi cu cineva pe acolo, e clar ca ceva se intampla. Dupa ce fac cei doi impreuna poti sa afli si in ce faza a relatiei sunt, respectiv ce statut social au. De exemplu: beau o cafea (abia s-au cunoscut), vad un film (e faza ulterioara, se face conversatie si poate se “verifica” noua achizitie), mananca la Mac (studenti probabil), se plimba prin magazine impreuna (planuri de viitor deja, el evalueaza cam cat o sa il coste) etc.
5. E mai greu sa imi conving prietenii sa “facem ceva” in weekend. Cand spui “mergem la mall”, sensul vietii se imbogateste instantaneu – la mall poti face o gramada de lucruri si de fapt nimic. Cum draga, sa mergem la terasa? Da ce facem la terasa? Hai la mall!

Despre salutul cu spatele

Cateodata ma dezamagesc oamenii. Ma astept sa reactioneze cu maturitate la cate o veste, fara sa se gandeasca doar in termeni de castig sau de pierdere personala. Sa se gandeasca pe termen lung - sa inteleaga mecanismele care au stat la baza unor decizii. Poate ca o fac, insa in felul lor propriu, care bineinteles ca ramane criptic pentru mine.

Sa pierzi frumos inseamna sa reusesti sa treci de tine si sa vezi plusurile pe termen lung ale oricarei situatii - fie ea defavorabila in prezent, si chiar daca la nivel personal implicatiile sunt dureroase. Oricine poate sa intoarca spatele si sa lanseze afirmatii pe care ulterior sa le imbrace in alte si alte haine, doar pentru a le deforma sensul peiorativ initial. E nevoie de tarie si de vointa pentru a nu te lasa dus de val.

PS: De cateva zile ma simt ca pe vremuri, cand realitatea parea sa fie un vis permanent :-)

Baby it's you
You know that it's you I'm thinking of
(Smokie, Baby It's You)

Bloggers are friendly creatures

Now this is really amazing, just read it in the TechCrunch feed: http://www.techcrunch.com/2008/03/03/blogging-is-good-for-your-social-life-study/. The essence is that to blog is to feel more included, possibly with more friends and a lot more to comment about.

I don't disagree, however my personal experience doesn't include a significant improvement of my social experience since I am blogging. And still, I enjoy a beer with friends more than knowing they read me :))

He said: what? She said: You.

Just had a brief look at my calendar: starting with the end of March I will be out of the country for almost three weeks, which is the longest time I’ve spent away from my dear ones in a long time. Hm, guess I will need to prepare for that.

Meanwhile, I am getting more and more hold of the opportunities presence in social networks can bring. Be it LinkedIn (more business-oriented), Xing (business network, mainly German and bordering regions), Facebook (I’m new to this one, still need to check it out) or Twitter (have been enjoying some posts there in a while), they all have the same purpose: getting people to connect and interact more than ever. Just being there does not attract attention – moving about does. Lately, both LinkedIn and Facebook have added Twitter-like status editing possibilities. If you are not an uber-busy business person, you may now want to tell your network what concerns you, what you are reading, what you are thinking about. Really useful, especially if these things will get to be indexed in some manner and create trails for people who are interested in you to follow. On the other hand, this immense knowledge repository will at some point become dangerous, with lots of personal info that can be used as marketing databases or for identity fraud.

Sooner or later I have the feeling this can be big, especially with more and more people using the networks. I am still amazed some of my friends do not enter the online game that has us all entangled.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
(Mika, Happy Ending)

Deci, ce vroiam sa zic...

Mediul corporatist romanesc este toropit de standardizare. Vorbind cu un prieten mai demult, ii spuneam ca poate mergem cu totii la traininguri ca sa invatam vocabularul de lemn care sa ne permita sa ne intelegem unii cu altii. La nivel de limbaj, avem cateva formulari fara de care banuiesc ca am invata cu totii limbajul semnelor. Sau am folosi o alta formula consacrata: “N-am cuvinte”. Sau am zice “Mai gad! Intelegi ce vreau sa zic”. Sincer… nu :)

Fata ce sa mai atata tot... Ai ma. Hai, vorbim. Sunteti scumpi. Mersi draga esti o dulce. Pupici. Sarutari de maini doamnei. Ma leshi. Inteleg inteleg. Da, sunt cu tine. Te urmaresc. Am o mica nelamurire. Am nevoie de o explicatie pentru asta. Maine ie dedlain. Sa fim pe aceeasi pagina. Da-mi un fidbec. Mama ce tare. Superbeton. Marfa frate, iti spun. Tre sa mergi la hasher. Deci, da. Desteapta treaba. Ce dracu, suntem buni. Sa se chinuie si ei un pic. Misto, frate, stii ca iti ziceam eu. La valoarea ta… Vorbim. Care e relevanta? Kilu meu. Stiu ca poti mai mult de atata. Bine ca esti tu destept. Te poooop.

Later edit: S-a cancelat intalnirea?

PS: Gasiti cateva exemple faine si la Florin, aici.

Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.
(Mika, My Interpretation)

Pretending to be an angel

During childhood, I was led to believe that love stories lasted forever, and if they did not, it was due to the death of one lover, which immediately led to the death (physical or emotional) of the other. Things did not shift much, they remained within controllable patterns. It is less of a disturbance to think in patterns: you minimise the risks of hitting the bottom of thinking by trying to attach logic to the astrays of emotionalism. However, as I learned after archiving my storybooks in the attic, relationships do not always end good (eg marriage, loads of children, big house and Nirvanic happiness). In fact, the ones that do are quite suspicious :). What people realize less is the impact of their termination upon the others. After a couple of friends have broken up, we cannot go out with both of them any more; separate meetings are necessary, and of course the subject of the relationship must be avoided. New people enter their respective lives – and ours – and sometimes we cannot help ourselves but to compare the present state with “what used to be” and finding exactly those differences which make us regret the older days.

Does it make sense better live alone, rather than inflicting the pain of changing the status quo? This all depends on the base we make our choices on. Were we here only to care for the happiness of others, maybe it would make sense to store our inner self in others, and hope they will keep it safe. But we can’t – because we do not trust others sufficiently (more about this in a next post) – and maybe because we have no idea how to do it.

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain
There he goes moving across the water
There he goes turning my whole world around
(Rod Stewart, Broken Arrow)

The less I speak, the more I get to sleep

There is an advertisment I like very much, for a telecom operator. It says: “The things you do not say are lost” (RO: Lucrurile pe care nu le spui, se pierd). I’d extend it to say the things you would like to do but don’t are also lost. And generally, every attitude you would have liked to have but did not have at the right moment, does not define you. Or every little word you would have liked to say in a certain context, or that hand you would have liked to hold out for a friend, or that kiss you would have liked to give… They are all lost forever, for that particular moment will not return, and the ever changing context will lead to different situations, out of which probably the least will prove satisfactory.

It’s like always telling oneself “Tomorrow I will kiss him” or “Starting today I’ll give money to all the old beggars I see” – and never doing it. These negations create expectations in oneself, and not fulfilling them leads to a state of inner turmoil that never seems to cease. It’s not like you should really say everything that crosses your mind (some stuff might *cross* people around you) – but just remember this is the life, these are the opportunities, and this is what you can or cannot make of them. Pondering risks and evaluating possibilities is ok – as long as you do not get more involved in thinking about the structure than about living it out.

PS: There are some of you who told me they would like to read the blog in Romanian, so I’m pondering the idea.
PS1: Much activity and a great idea from Mihai on the Musicblog lately. Check it out: http://www.musicblog.ro/

I'm hearing images, I'm seeing songs
No poet has ever painted
Voices call out to me, straight to my heart
So strange yet we're so well acquainted
I let the music speak, with no restraints
I let my feelings take over
Carry my soul away into the world
Where beauty meets the darkness of the day
(ABBA, I let the music speak)

Buon giorno, principessa!

Sometimes, we are hurt by the bare image of dawn descending, or the tip of a sun-ray touching some dry roses left over from the last birthday we celebrated with them... the eternal “them” who hurt us, maybe unknowingly or maybe as a demonstration of power. Either by saying the words, by not saying the words, by mumbling the wrong sentences or murmuring too many of the right ones, it is the great unknown “them” we share our lives with who have the greatest power to hurt us, of all.

So how do we escape the land of despair? One of you must keep the emotional balance and continue to feel. The moment both are lost behind the wall of so-called protection, chances are that you are going to lose one another, and develop deep seated depressions you will hardly find a way out of. Instead of remaining bruised and indulging in the thought that loneliness will grow fruit, choose to live in the sun. Yes, there are small happenings, here and then, when you think that maybe you would have been better off if you had not reached out at all. Just think of the costs, for a second. If we accept that the purpose of our lives is to be happy – and make others happy, as well, then we will also accept consequences such as the inevitable hurt more easily.

I believe that the warmth in our hearts can help hidden hearts also see the sun.

I will meet you at the Blue Cafe
Because, this is where the one who knows
Meets the one who does not care
The cards of fate
The older shows
To the younger one, who dares to take
The chance of no return
Where have you been?
Where are you going to?
I want to know what is new
I want to go with you
(Chris Rea, The Blue Cafe)

Careful with a fragile heart

There are people around me – also ones whoI love and admire – who display a lot of aggression, in different contexts. Sometimes they are corrosively witty about themselves, and apply that extra lot of self-irony in telling stories that makes you wonder if they really feel anything when telling the stories. Some others are harsh in answering simple questions, that somehow threaten their self-esteem, or simply catch them offhand in unpleasant situations. There is a certain category who are brisk when discussing with people they don't like – be it that they really have no consideration for the person in front of them or because she / he has unnerved them; another reason may be personal circumstances which generate anger they cannot control.

I've often asked myself how to handle these people. An approach which works well is to just relax and try to joke about the nasty retortions, and not take them seriously. Getting also mad and reacting violently will not help, unless you can shout louder :) What I am concerned about is what lies behind the unpleasant words they say, behind the apparent domination these linguistic aggressors seem to seek. Is it their own anger and hate they throw on others? Or simply a need to express something else?

Well you said you wished you knew me
You can't have everything
For I knew I wouldn't know you
But I got under your skin
(Texas, Under Your Skin)

You give yourself away

Sometimes, the troubles of others seem to be the only place you can hide your own sadness. So you dip very deep into them, take a fresh breath and a pair of horse eye glasses and pretend that the world is actually not bad to you, it is so to everybody – which of course always makes you feel better.

There are countless discussions I've had this year, with friends who thought their existence was closely tied to one achievement, to one retorted feeling, to possession or to consummation. Many times I have asked myself the question – what does it all come down to, in the end? Is it really tied together in such a narrow fashion that our own happiness really depends on the kindness and responsivity of others? Blanche DuBois depended on the kindness of strangers – but is that not a misrepresentation? It leads us to a life that does not belong to us, but to the ones who show us kindness. On the other hand, this daily interconnection and that we cannot exist without the others moves us forward, so giving it up would only leave us bare and exposed to winds and coldness.

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?
(Amy Winehouse, Will you still love me tomorrow?)

What goes on inside

A contribution to my understanding of the games people play was recently made in a conversation involving the dynamics of argumentation. I bet you have been in discussions with your friends, when everything seemed to be good up to the point when two or more of the people started an argument – seemingly out of no reason. If you have not followed the discussion closely, it is nearly impossible to make sense of the misunderstanding. Arguments of a logical nature are excluded at first – in the heat of battle, all will react to emotions and in no way to logical explanations. You might find it useful to apply the prosecutor – victim – saviour paradigm to understand such situations. It goes like this (hope I got this one right... :)): somebody plays the “prosecutor” and nags at the self esteem, values or otherwise exerts aggression upon the “victim”. Depending on the way this person reacts to the situation, it might stop or perpetuate. In case the “victim” takes on the role and acts hurt, she or he may be asking for a saviour – somebody to offer comfort from the painful situation. This “saviour” may be embodied in the “prosecutor” or may be an outside part who will then be in conflict with the “prosecutor” - and the roles will yet perpetuate.

The idea in writing about this is there are no fixed ways to deal with a stressful and potentially conflictual relationship. You might understand them in different paradigms – but always choose the one you feel comfortable in. Should the tension exceed limits, try to take some time physically away to clear your thoughts, before making an attempt at solving it or deciding on a more appropriate solution.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
(Jewel, Hands)

Didn't we almost have it all?

Tell me what you are yearning for. Is it life, is it your job, your family, friends... ? Is it your dog? Does it make you happy, to yearn for them? It should be, as these are all things you can have, that you can touch. You can be them every day. And yet, most of us do not crave what we already have - though it would be the most logical solution, wouldn't it? Yeah, sure, wanting what we cannot get has become such a cliché that writing about it has become tasteless. I was wondering, however, about what someone told me in a meaningless conversation today: that simply talking to me was his bliss. Nothing more was required. Although I did not reciprocate, I admired him for wanting what he had got – be it the nothing it seemed to me.

So I remembered countless times when moments containing essences seemed to elude me. Our mistake must be not that we do not see these moments – they are too many to be ignored – but that we choose to think it can become better and better. We yearn for what we cannot touch not because it would be better than what we have, but because it isn't there, and because we choose to occupy our thoughts with how it would be, instead of how it is. One other proof that we live sequentially and forget to absorb the beauty of life at the exact moment we have it.

Watch “Closer” for more details regarding want and lust... and loss.