Before I Forget

There were so many times when I went through something funny - or something dreadful. Like the time I got stuck in the subway. Or the time I tried all the locks in a building in Prague to find my apartment. At the end of the day, all I could think of is how you would have laughed or commented on that. Each time I was looking forward to tell you, as I was so sure you would laugh, and your laughter only would have given meaning to the happening.

It's becoming difficult to keep all those moments in my mind. Perhaps I'd better write them down, before I forget :)

About fears

Have you ever noticed how fearful we all are? As kids we are scared and thus hit first, so as not to be hit ourselves. Small boys don’t really know what to do when they see others cry, so they ignore it or laugh at tears as a sign of weakness. Later on, as teenagers we are scared about what others will think about our looks. We fear that having no boyfriend / girlfriend will decrease our social likeability. Then, when we do get one, we are afraid he/she will leave us. If this doesn’t happen, we are afraid we are being cheated on. After we start an argument and end up alone, we fear nobody will love us anymore. When someone finally turns up, we fear we are not liked for who we really are, but for some obscure reasons that have nothing to do with our real selves (such as our parents, our money, our cars or because we look good on TV). We fear getting married because we will be confined to a double loneliness, we fear a divorce because it will leave us alone. Our children’s illnesses scare us because of the death they entail, we fear our parents’ aging because it will leave us facing the care they gave us as children, we fear our sickness because it gives us that sense of helplessness, of not being in control. We plunge into jobs to feel safe again, and then we continue to fear that our performance is mediocre, that our boss does not like us, that we get less money than others, that our outfit is not “office” enough and of course, that changing the job will only bring on the same fears.

And so we continue on our spiral of anxiety. Only in some brief moments do we discover the beauty of life and the hundreds of good things that happen to us every day, that give it meaning and make it worth living, with no unnecessary time spent on worrying. Life just has a way to bring a smile on our faces again, but more often than never we choose to ignore it, because fearing and worrying has been ingrained so deep in our minds.

I wrote this as a “thank you” note for only a few friends who let me know today, in own little ways, that they cared. It was enough to make me smile.

Coulda woulda shoulda

That afternoon, one of the many we spent drinking coffee before you left, was one of the first of spring. It still felt chilly, yet the sun was shining over the terrace, and there were only a few people besides you and me. They were drinking cold milkshakes, and you laughed when I told you they would get a sore throat. We sat down, and you did not want to face the sun, for fear you would get burnt. I ordered a cup of cappuccino and you got the usual long espresso with milk. The tender smell was enough to let me drift to other places and the taste was like a classical symphony melting inside my mouth and spreading its colors inside my body. So I smiled at you, kissed a stray ray of sun on my lips, closed your image behind my eyelid and shut my eyes, lying there like a lizard in the sun. You were telling me some follies to make me laugh, as usual, while the taste of coffee still lingered, and the warmth wrapped me with bliss.

After that all was silent.

I ask for a moment's indulgence to sit by thy side. The works that I have in hand I will finish afterwards.
Away from the sight of thy face my heart knows no rest nor respite, and my work becomes an endless toil in a shoreless sea of toil.
Today the summer has come at my window with its sighs and murmurs; and the bees are plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove.
Now it is time to sit quiet, face to face with thee, and to sing dedication of life in this silent and overflowing leisure.
(Rabindranath Tagore, A Moment's Indulgence)

Fantasie Impromptu

This morning I left home willing to let the bit of tan I got this summer glow… and outside it was cold, all of a sudden.

After coming out of the subway, it was all gone, like an impression. It was warm again. A bit of cold remained with me, still.

Summer moved on thus, leaving nothing but some warmth and lots of distance. Just like last year.

Only for one

I'm thinking about going to the Leonard Cohen concert in Bucharest with some friends. Should be in three weeks' time or so. We haven't yet decided, as some part of us still craves for doing things in a student manner. Unplanned, that is :)

The funny thing is I'm even thinking to go to this concert, as I'm not really a fan of Mr Cohen. During my university years, we used to sometimes listen to him in the evenings, and his deep voice used to trouble me and failed to lead me to sleep. Even now, there is only a limited number of songs of his which I enjoy to hear - and this poem, which seems a bit cynical to me. Maybe just a matter of interpretation on my side :))

To serve all, but love only one

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”
Honore de Balzac

This quote inspired my day yesterday. In trying to understand it, I first thought this was a love quote, one pertaining to the knights only loving the lady of their hearts, but behaving in a knightly manner with all others (kinda the “Lady in distress – let’s help” style). But how could this be the motto of wisdom as well? Whom does wisdom love, whom does wisdom serve, other than the intellectual needs of the narcissistic self? And above all, should we go for the mystical interpretation, does wisdom really love God – as might be implied?

Maybe this is what is meant through “love only one”. That wisdom has the kindness to share, to give away – be it knowledge, or compassion, or understanding, or help when it is needed. But, like us all, it needs strength to hold on to. This can be faith, or love, or a person… a guiding light towards which we strive. It also means to be loyal to a purpose – or to that one person or concept we behold as the centre of our ambitions.

But how many of us really live this way?

And this is where I find
Rays of dust that wrap around your citizen
Kind enough to disavow
And this is where I stand
(RHCP, Stadium Arcadium)

Cateva ganduri din transee

Cred ca indrazneala e o functie de capacitate de a visa. Cu cat visezi mai mult, cu atat mai putin timp ai pentru a iti realiza visele. Si daca doar visezi, fara sa incerci sa faci ca visele tale sa se intample in realitate, esti ca o barca in voia vantului.

Am incetat sa cred ca exista un rost in a crede ca lasitatea poate sa fie justificata.

Despre cum e sa te arunci in apa rece

Uneori fac lucruri traznite. Gandesc fara pic de instinct de conservare. Fac lucruri despre care imi e clar de la bun inceput ca nu duc nicaieri, ca sunt doar faze care incep si se termina fara limite. Merg inainte si ma arunc in apa, desi stiu ca ar putea sa fie putin adanca (aflu mai apoi ca e foarte rece). Sau ies afara in haine subtiri, stiind ca e frig, doar de dragul de a purta bluza “aceea” sau de a simti vantul prin par. Sau dansez prin ploaia calduta de vara dupa ce am calcat intr-o balta – la ce bun sa mai tin umbrela deasupra capului?

Poate ca nu e cea mai buna cale, poate ca asa risti ca toate consecintele negative sa ti se sparga in cap. Ma gandesc uneori ca multe din lucrurile care mi s-au intamplat in viata faceau parte dintr-un risc pe care mi-l asumasem. Stiam ca s-ar putea intampla ceva, si dincolo de nepasare sau inconstienta exista o curiozitate a senzatiei de care nu am reusit sa scap niciodata. Pana la urma, nu ne traim vietile doar anticipand finaluri. Cateodata, inveti sa dansezi dansand, si incepi sa inveti culorile pictand.

Asa ca… de ce sa imi pese ca voi pierde, daca in acelasi timp am sansa de a castiga totul? De ce sa imi para rau ca am zburat cu aripi de ceara, daca am vazut soarele atat de aproape? De ce sa nu incerc, in loc sa imi imaginez cum ar fi fost?

Dupa ultimele rapoarte venite de la cer, se pare ca avem totusi doar o viata :-)

You gotta have a dream
If you don’t have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?
(Ella Fitzgerald, Happy Talk)

I am what I try to deny

There was an exercise I once did with some friends: we each danced our life's story on a randomly chosen melody. A solemn show for some, a comedy for the other. No dancing marvels performed, just some moulding in a foreign rhyhtm. The movements were flowing naturally, with some very brisk turnarounds at some points and at times difficult to understand. In each life there were things we could only imagine - some of us danced of lost loves, others of things we had experienced together. But not one of them danced of work. None of despair or of death. It was all the wonderful things in life that they imagined when moving to the sounds, the good they could do and the hope they held. And most of them were smiling while dancing.

This weekend I re-edited the exercise, while dancing to Gotan Project's La Viguela.

aquí me tumbo a cantar
al compás de la vigüela
que al hombre que lo desvela
una pena extraordinaria
como el ave solitaria
con el cantar se consuela

Sway

When you are used to being gorgeous and loved, the sudden apparition of an even more gorgeous being around you gives you wings. For you know that there is still room to go to reach perfection.

Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak
(Dean Martin, Sway)

I Know My Love

There are so many people in the world who hunger for a bit of love, that our brief afternoons and evenings together seem like an undeserved blessing. So many rich glances, few words that create worlds of understanding, those little touches filled with warmth and the intense feeling that somewhere, out there, there is a great something where we can be like in our dreams. This much love cannot be wasted, and the more you get, the more there is of it.

Perfume of the day: L'Eau par Kenzo.

One change at a time

A friend's status, some days ago: It's a mark of a very very young soul to try and fix the world.

My answer: small comment: you can change the world so that it fixes itself someday
one little change at a time ;-)
Ana-Maria: :) nice one

A fact is, after so much talk about changing the world I'd rather focus on the small things in my own live. A couple of days ago we have had a strategy creation session for a client, with a very good exercise on comparing various strategic initiatives to the point of obtaining an action plan. Great stuff for the company, food for thought for myself - for there are so many things I want to do, people I want to see, places to visit etc. But how do I determine their relative importance to my life? How can I say that one thing that I do now is more important than another, when they are all so deeply interrelated?

Perhaps I should think about what all my present actions will determine in future. Perhaps I should follow a red path that will eventually lead me to the same light I imagine at the end. Perhaps I should do the way I feel, it has always helped me. Or maybe I should get a mentor and get him make sense of my life. Or maybe, just maybe, the answer lies ahead in the road I pursue, with all the people I meet with on the road, my eyes raised to a higher purpose. And whichever that higher purpose may be, it is good and it is filled with love.

PS: I'm listening to Portuguese Jazz for the day ;-) for absence must be replaced by music.

Thoughts on a sunny Saturday

Maybe love is a delta between wanting and being able to get – and the least able we are to touch the object of our alleged desire, the more we strive to get it. The more we can't have, the more we long for, only rarely noticing that maybe – just assume that for a second – we wish for the lives of others, and not our own.

Dance girl dance to your tunes

I wonder what would happen if a serious corporate suit guy would walk down the corridor and see me wrapped in an orange shawl and dancing to a tune in my head. Would he just stare and tell himself that I’m nuts or would he dance along?

This is worth trying, just to see the reaction.

Ive tried so not to give in
Ive said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist,
when baby will I know than well
That Ive got you under my skin
(Frank Sinatra, Under My Skin)

Just like honey

When people sleep close to one another, are the dreams they dream the same? And if they are not, do they see one another from their dreams and wave? Or do the dreams fight one another to stay private? Or even more so, do dreams compete to be special and be dreamt?

The morning sun is in my eyes
It doesn't hide the lines
It does not bare
A great disguise
Happy birthday baby
Happy birthday
(The Cranberries, Every Morning)

Guess what I found...

I've had a nice weekend, I hope you had one just the same. A friend celebrated his birthday on Friday evening with a student party, where we danced, ate pancakes and drank good Moldavian wine. Saturday was meant for sleeping, and watching the TV series made for “Children of Dune”; it reminded me of a beautiful time in my life, the discovery of “Dune” and of shared loneliness. Together with a friend, I enjoyed a lunch walk through the park and we smothered in the rays of the late autumn sun. Later on, indulging in a big cup of milk coffee, while allowing myself the patience to read, my back rubbed against the warm central heating, inspired me for the work week to come.

Yes, it was a weekend spent for myself, and it was enjoyable because it brought me peace and helped me think less about abstract things, but enjoy the immediate, brought me in touch with a reality I dreamt of so long in my head.

A che serve piangere / What’s the use of crying

Rinunciare a vivere / And denying what you feel

Resta qua se ti va / Stay here if you will

Non pensare abbracciami / But don’t think, just hold me

Lasciami sognare / Let me dream

La tua pelle morbida / Of your velvet skin

Voglio accarezzare / Skin that I yearn to caress

E finchè non avrò / And for as long as

Anche l’anima / You’re unable to give yourself

Io sarò sempre sulla tua scia / I shall never give up trying

Non puoi fuggire / It’s pointless to run away

Perchè sei mia / Because you’re mine

Perchè ti voglio / Because I want you

Perchè mi vuoi / And because you want me

Un mondo si apre / There’s a whole world there for the taking

Intorno a noi / And it’s opening up around us

(Andrea Bocelli, Cantico)

(Lyrics translation courtesy to http://www.abmusica.com/song_index.htm)

Delicious toffee and rain in the car

What I love today: the tip of my nose being electrified when touched with a green smile, the warmth of my friends dancing around me, my toffee body butter that smells wonderful, the birthday of two dear ones.

What I feel sad about: friends going through some unhappy times (like Bob or C), my mother being in hospital, some people close to my office who live in an old Dacia, how things don't always work out my way and that I see old friends more seldom.

Real sugar, I don't wanna climb the walls
Real sugar, that's what I want or none at all
Real sugar, sweet as a sweet can be
Real sugar, that's what I want and what I need
(Roxette, Real Sugar)

Such a comedienne

I wanted to write about something complicated tonight – about wishes and where they come from and how we ignore all this, as long as they are fulfilled, and how this origin of wishes actually indicates the direction we are headed to.

Instead, I'll just write a bit about sleeping. About how I couldn't find sleep in summer and sometimes cried, my nose buried in the pillow. About how I stay up now, just to catch demons offhand, read some, write some more, and can't fall asleep before 12.00AM. This is all quite paradoxical, because I love to sleep. Above all, I cherish warmth in my bed, which is why I sleep covered in three blankets, at about 23 deg C. Warmth makes my sleep deep and cozy and makes me dream about places that I would like to go to, places I have only visited in my dreams or which I would like to visit. One of these places is definitely my project office, where I already came too late once, the only excuse being my half closed sleepy eyes...

So sleep tight :-) and I'll see you again on Monday or so, on my return from a nice team retreat in Sibiu. We will be building little houses for the traditional Weihnachtsmarkt (link RO) and having fun with the guys on my current project team. Since it all takes place in my home town, you can well imagine that I can't wait to be there. So if you happen to also be in Sibiu over the weekend, feel free to ym me and let's meet.

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we haveisn't good or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
(Scarlet, Independent Lovesong)

The "I Am Not A Feminist" series vol. 1

A few days ago, a dear one told me he'd got himself a new mobile phone. Great, I said, what sort of one? He told me what it was (I have no idea about mobile phones) and I asked: Does it at least look good? So he laughed and said You are such a woman who cares what it looks like it's a technical jewel and it's got GPS and... and... and it does... Aha I said (whatever...)

So here are a few reasons why I am really glad that I am a woman:

¬ First of all I need not know anything about mobile phones :) (because I can ask just about any of my friends and they will get me catalogues with explanations);
¬ Then, I need not know anything about cars (the same, guys are so happy when they are explaining the differences that I don't even need to bother with the information);
¬ Men open the door for me, which is great because I need not take my mittens off;
¬ For special occasions I get bunches of flowers – and sometimes I get flowers just because;
¬ I can wear jeans, a white blouse and Converses or a deux-pieces and high heels and look as good;
¬ Elder gentlemen greet me first and call me “domnisoara” (equivalent to mademoiselle);
¬ When it rains, I always get the umbrella;
¬ On the way to lunch, I can spend five minutes in a jewellery shop and help a friend choose earrings;
¬ I can make other women compliments on how they look without being fretted at;
¬ I can receive compliments with a big smile and make someone's day;
¬ Sometimes, when I feel sad, just shopping clothes or books gets me back on track;
¬ I can feel good about myself just because a stranger smiled to me on the subway...

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just told but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth, mhmn
(Alicia Keys, A Woman's Worth)

Fasting... feasting...

Preparing your soul for what there is to come is like finding a dry piece of land upon which some grass has grown of its own accord. It's like falling down on that land, smoothing it out with bare hands and inhaling the smell of raw earth passing through one's fingers, biting into the earth and tasting its grains, then standing up, watering the land, sewing the seeds of life and rejoicing at it being grown anew.

Such is the time before Christmas, fasting to prepare for the feast that is to come.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
(Take That, Shine)