I'm loving angels instead

This time before Christmas I feel inspired by the cities I have lived in; it reminds me of countless evenings or nights I have spent walking through places that seemed different in daylight and now revealed forms and dimensions unbelievably alive. I am an admirer of the beauty of pure urban; cities are more enticing when viewed in the light of their lamps, or of the moon, with little of the daily worming of people going on. The solitary evenings I have spent in discovery have been some of the best of my life. So I have found places in Romania, Germany, Austria, Poland, Italy or France which may have escaped my attention in the daily turmoil.

They say that true love’s measure is when you believe that nobody has loved in the same way before us and nobody will love in the same way after us. Well I say that you can only love a city in your own way. Nobody will have seen or see it the same as you do. I have seen them all through the lenses of my camera, through the lenses of night and through the reverential fear I felt when walking alone through unknown streets. It all has deepened my perceptions, and parts of me have thus rubbed into the spirits of the cities, to stay.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
(TS Eliot, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock)

Simplifying myself

Some time ago I read a book called “How I became stupid”. It is a book about a young man who realizes to think is to suffer and frustrates himself on being smart (as he thinks this is the reason why nobody likes him). The ending is funny: after he tries various things to help him become dumber (drinking, getting a job as a broker, trying to commit suicide etc), he finds a girl who is as imaginatively astray as he is and off they ride into the night.

This weekend we were in Sibiu – I told you about this in my last post – and helped with building little houses for the Christmas fair. We also painted them – which took up most of Saturday and of Sunday. Imagine it was great. A bunch of people who do nothing but info gathering, data crunching and corporate emailing all day, all gathered in a place and painting little houses! It was by far the most relaxing weekend I have had in a long time, and I am looking forward to doing that again. Besides, it was fun, as the guys on my team were at their best in joking and telling stories.

Following this past weekend, I've decided that I must be employing much too serious a part of my head to think about completely useless things, so I have started an experiment. I want to see if thinking less will help me be better, calmer, and maybe wiser. The results until now are indeed encouraging – it kind of simplifies things and helps concentrate on the important ones.

I wish for this night-time to last for a life-time
The darkness around me - shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
(Nightwish, Sleeping Sun)

Such a comedienne

I wanted to write about something complicated tonight – about wishes and where they come from and how we ignore all this, as long as they are fulfilled, and how this origin of wishes actually indicates the direction we are headed to.

Instead, I'll just write a bit about sleeping. About how I couldn't find sleep in summer and sometimes cried, my nose buried in the pillow. About how I stay up now, just to catch demons offhand, read some, write some more, and can't fall asleep before 12.00AM. This is all quite paradoxical, because I love to sleep. Above all, I cherish warmth in my bed, which is why I sleep covered in three blankets, at about 23 deg C. Warmth makes my sleep deep and cozy and makes me dream about places that I would like to go to, places I have only visited in my dreams or which I would like to visit. One of these places is definitely my project office, where I already came too late once, the only excuse being my half closed sleepy eyes...

So sleep tight :-) and I'll see you again on Monday or so, on my return from a nice team retreat in Sibiu. We will be building little houses for the traditional Weihnachtsmarkt (link RO) and having fun with the guys on my current project team. Since it all takes place in my home town, you can well imagine that I can't wait to be there. So if you happen to also be in Sibiu over the weekend, feel free to ym me and let's meet.

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we haveisn't good or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
(Scarlet, Independent Lovesong)

The "I Am Not A Feminist" series vol. 1

A few days ago, a dear one told me he'd got himself a new mobile phone. Great, I said, what sort of one? He told me what it was (I have no idea about mobile phones) and I asked: Does it at least look good? So he laughed and said You are such a woman who cares what it looks like it's a technical jewel and it's got GPS and... and... and it does... Aha I said (whatever...)

So here are a few reasons why I am really glad that I am a woman:

¬ First of all I need not know anything about mobile phones :) (because I can ask just about any of my friends and they will get me catalogues with explanations);
¬ Then, I need not know anything about cars (the same, guys are so happy when they are explaining the differences that I don't even need to bother with the information);
¬ Men open the door for me, which is great because I need not take my mittens off;
¬ For special occasions I get bunches of flowers – and sometimes I get flowers just because;
¬ I can wear jeans, a white blouse and Converses or a deux-pieces and high heels and look as good;
¬ Elder gentlemen greet me first and call me “domnisoara” (equivalent to mademoiselle);
¬ When it rains, I always get the umbrella;
¬ On the way to lunch, I can spend five minutes in a jewellery shop and help a friend choose earrings;
¬ I can make other women compliments on how they look without being fretted at;
¬ I can receive compliments with a big smile and make someone's day;
¬ Sometimes, when I feel sad, just shopping clothes or books gets me back on track;
¬ I can feel good about myself just because a stranger smiled to me on the subway...

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just told but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth, mhmn
(Alicia Keys, A Woman's Worth)

A Mother's Love

First of all, today is my mom's birthday – so Happy Birthday Ma! You are my hero – always.

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.

Someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's singing, Lord, Kumbaja.
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya,
Someone's praying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya,
oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
Someone's sleeping Lord, Kumbaya,
someone's sleeping, Lord, Kumbaya

oh, Lord, Kumbaya.
(Joan Baez, Kumbaya)

Endlessly

A short addition after reading a wonderful love letter (written for somebody else by somebody unknown): I willingly love the me's in you, and all the rest if you won't make it vanish... that's the best I will ever understand.

Fly on my wing

Harry Potter charmed a Patronus to guard him from the evil Dementors. The lesson he was taught in defending himself against the Dark was that he should think of a happy memory very hard – and project it against the evil. Harry thought of his parents and of their sacrifice – and fended the evil off.

When I was little, I was taught that there is no evil in darkness, and that if there was anything to trouble my sleep, I should think of something beautiful, like a green field with flowers or a waterfall, and all would be well - and so it was, although sometimes it took a lot of strength not to see captain Hook or some evil indians in the night of the room :))

My mum has her own “magic carpet” to fly through every day, a friend goes dancing, another one goes on dates. I like swimming and seeing the valleys from the top of the mountains... and it is countless happy times with my friends and with my family that I recall when there are no answers left in the coffee machine or in the laptop...

Give it a short thought: what makes you happy? Then... just do it :-)

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We ll find a place together
Fly on my wing
(Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Zephyr Song)