Don't fake the real you

Don’t fake it. They’ll notice. That is, unless they are too busy doing some faking of their own. Don’t get entangled in trying to seem what you are not. Don’t fake your concern over something that barely touches your interest area. Don’t fake liking music you don’t like, your face will give you out faster than you are able to humm the first two lines. Don’t fake friendships just to keep up appearances. They’ll hate you for it. Don’t fake your not feeling miserable following a breakup. Express your feelings and shout into fountains what you don’t want the world to hear. Don’t fake your liking of a food, it’ll make you sick soon enough. Don't fake being a careful parent while you are hitting your child in the street. Don't say your employees are your most highly regarded asset while treating them miserably. Don’t pretend you want to do something you don’t – and don’t give me that pretense of a line called “I didn’t know anybody was going to be hurt”. You did know, but wanted to test it. Don’t fake it – if not for their sake, at least out of respect for yourself. Be genuine. You’ll save everybody precious time.

Nacer en tu risa
Crecer en tu llanto
Vivir en tu espalda
Morir en tus brazos
(Cesaria Evora, Tiempo y silencio)

Emaciated

I’ve been lucky to have learnt to swim at an early age, and swimming has since become a second nature to me. What I especially liked, back in Sibiu, was diving. In Sibiu you can actually swim in an Olympic sized swimming pool with 8 lanes, and there is also a deeper pool with a diving tower with 3m, 5m, 7m and 10m levels. For us little dolphins, the diving pool was only open on certain days, as it was considered dangerous to jump (because of various accidents etc). One day, when it was “ok” to go diving, we lined up and started. First we used the springboard, 1 m above the water. The instructor then led us to the platforms. Some of us did dive from 3m... but the more we climbed up the stairs, the more courage left us, as we seemed to be so high above the menacing blue water. At some point, the inevitable happened and one of us dived the wrong way. She hit herself quite hard on a side (in diving, especially when doing it from higher above, it is essential to enter the water perfectly vertical, or else the impact can harm you). I was next in line... and I suddenly felt like turning around presto and giving up diving. There was a moment when I looked at the water and my body refused to return there, for fear it would get hurt, just like my friend's had been.

Over the past few weeks I was sick, and the return to normality seems more difficult than I have expected, as there are some aspects in my general ability to fight off disease that are not particularly encouraging. I dread jumping into the water again, just like years ago, because of concerns regarding my health.

What I did back then, after looking at the water below, was to close my eyes and jump anyway, from 10m. The water, on entering, felt warm and embracing, and all that excited expectation of pain disappeared. It was not as if the doubt had disappeared, but the weight of it seemed to have been left behind. And as I resurfaced, I felt like lingering there, for it felt like my second nature indeed. No harm would come.

Before I Forget

There were so many times when I went through something funny - or something dreadful. Like the time I got stuck in the subway. Or the time I tried all the locks in a building in Prague to find my apartment. At the end of the day, all I could think of is how you would have laughed or commented on that. Each time I was looking forward to tell you, as I was so sure you would laugh, and your laughter only would have given meaning to the happening.

It's becoming difficult to keep all those moments in my mind. Perhaps I'd better write them down, before I forget :)

Girls who beat up the boys

Ok, I am not sure about you guys, but I am so fed up with the image of the overpowering, men-beating, "don't look at me because I'm beautiful, look at me 'cause I'm smart" woman! I mean, come on - most of us have got the message. Equality, brotherhood and cooperation are on, but the proof of that is not in women behaving like men and overtrumping the latter in the spirit of retaliation and of proving the equality of sexes. Most movies and series I have been watching lately seem to be filled with single moms, girls who beat guys up and power-hungry ladies. I wish they were more subtle. I wish they did not lose their feminine side.

Later edit: Others are also concerned with the topic. Good.

Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles thats what you do
(Rod Stewart, Have I Told You Lately)

About fears

Have you ever noticed how fearful we all are? As kids we are scared and thus hit first, so as not to be hit ourselves. Small boys don’t really know what to do when they see others cry, so they ignore it or laugh at tears as a sign of weakness. Later on, as teenagers we are scared about what others will think about our looks. We fear that having no boyfriend / girlfriend will decrease our social likeability. Then, when we do get one, we are afraid he/she will leave us. If this doesn’t happen, we are afraid we are being cheated on. After we start an argument and end up alone, we fear nobody will love us anymore. When someone finally turns up, we fear we are not liked for who we really are, but for some obscure reasons that have nothing to do with our real selves (such as our parents, our money, our cars or because we look good on TV). We fear getting married because we will be confined to a double loneliness, we fear a divorce because it will leave us alone. Our children’s illnesses scare us because of the death they entail, we fear our parents’ aging because it will leave us facing the care they gave us as children, we fear our sickness because it gives us that sense of helplessness, of not being in control. We plunge into jobs to feel safe again, and then we continue to fear that our performance is mediocre, that our boss does not like us, that we get less money than others, that our outfit is not “office” enough and of course, that changing the job will only bring on the same fears.

And so we continue on our spiral of anxiety. Only in some brief moments do we discover the beauty of life and the hundreds of good things that happen to us every day, that give it meaning and make it worth living, with no unnecessary time spent on worrying. Life just has a way to bring a smile on our faces again, but more often than never we choose to ignore it, because fearing and worrying has been ingrained so deep in our minds.

I wrote this as a “thank you” note for only a few friends who let me know today, in own little ways, that they cared. It was enough to make me smile.

Morning song

Since the original by Heart, this must be the most touching and passionate interpretation of the song "Alone" I have heard in a long time. In the beginning Celine Dion does not seem very into the song, but just listen to her right after the verse "I never really cared until I met you" - she is so amazing! As it happens to most singers when they understand a song, she sings like she would be telling a real story, one that gives you chills to the bones (happened to listen to it this morning right after I woke up with fever, headache, dizziness... alone).

Coulda woulda shoulda

That afternoon, one of the many we spent drinking coffee before you left, was one of the first of spring. It still felt chilly, yet the sun was shining over the terrace, and there were only a few people besides you and me. They were drinking cold milkshakes, and you laughed when I told you they would get a sore throat. We sat down, and you did not want to face the sun, for fear you would get burnt. I ordered a cup of cappuccino and you got the usual long espresso with milk. The tender smell was enough to let me drift to other places and the taste was like a classical symphony melting inside my mouth and spreading its colors inside my body. So I smiled at you, kissed a stray ray of sun on my lips, closed your image behind my eyelid and shut my eyes, lying there like a lizard in the sun. You were telling me some follies to make me laugh, as usual, while the taste of coffee still lingered, and the warmth wrapped me with bliss.

After that all was silent.

I ask for a moment's indulgence to sit by thy side. The works that I have in hand I will finish afterwards.
Away from the sight of thy face my heart knows no rest nor respite, and my work becomes an endless toil in a shoreless sea of toil.
Today the summer has come at my window with its sighs and murmurs; and the bees are plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove.
Now it is time to sit quiet, face to face with thee, and to sing dedication of life in this silent and overflowing leisure.
(Rabindranath Tagore, A Moment's Indulgence)