Eureka!

Ladies and gents, and all other kind people randomly reading this blog – the truth is out in the open now and resistance is futile: Men cannot read your mind. Period. They can’t! Among their several other great qualities, this one does not stand out. Hell, it’s not even on the list! Be it your dad, your boyfriend, brother, colleague, friend etc – they can’t read thoughts, much less act on the thoughts they should have read and interpreted and thus get brilliant ideas of how to get you (or themselves) out of trouble.

Bob had actually tried to tell me this at some point, and I laughed myself dead at the tone she used, but she was so right. Of course, this epochal breakthrough will not make anybody’s life any big lot easier – or harder, for that matter, the knowledge of it might however help in understanding some happenings. Until recently, I was very pissed with my dad, as he was visiting me at the time my illness had begun – and although he could have, he didn’t drive me to the doctor when I had my appointment. When we talked about this later, he said he’d always been so convinced I can handle most things on my own, that he thought he’d also let me handle this one. As it turned out later, the little cold was more than it seemed, and that is when he apologised and asked me to tell him next time when I need help -- literally. (As in: "Dad, I need you to drive me to the doctor's at 4 PM today".)

Coming back to the topic of the post: if you feel like somebody in your life doesn’t get the message (happens mostly to men, but it can also hit women) – then he or she really didn’t. You need to find a way to communicate it directly to them, instead of sitting home by yourself, making scenarios and killing off precious little gray cells.

Careful with a fragile heart

There are people around me – also ones whoI love and admire – who display a lot of aggression, in different contexts. Sometimes they are corrosively witty about themselves, and apply that extra lot of self-irony in telling stories that makes you wonder if they really feel anything when telling the stories. Some others are harsh in answering simple questions, that somehow threaten their self-esteem, or simply catch them offhand in unpleasant situations. There is a certain category who are brisk when discussing with people they don't like – be it that they really have no consideration for the person in front of them or because she / he has unnerved them; another reason may be personal circumstances which generate anger they cannot control.

I've often asked myself how to handle these people. An approach which works well is to just relax and try to joke about the nasty retortions, and not take them seriously. Getting also mad and reacting violently will not help, unless you can shout louder :) What I am concerned about is what lies behind the unpleasant words they say, behind the apparent domination these linguistic aggressors seem to seek. Is it their own anger and hate they throw on others? Or simply a need to express something else?

Well you said you wished you knew me
You can't have everything
For I knew I wouldn't know you
But I got under your skin
(Texas, Under Your Skin)

The Good and the Better

Most people in business think that the key to being successful is sticking to facts. Though I couldn't disagree with the profoundly Cartesian era we are living in, I still prefer solving more difficult situations by handling them with care and understanding.

For my part, I believe in us all being humans in spite of all and having the ability of grasping states of matters much better when they are explained on a one-to-one level. Contrary to what you may think – people do understand, even if they are in high business and wear a neck tie that may parachute them miles upwards from where you stand. Just state the facts, state the effects, state your mindset and the way to a solution will ensue. Much harm is done nowadays by the stiffness in procedural matters – things are simpler than that. Granted, some arguments may crush the other and bring you to what you wish for... but on the long run, they will not keep your relationship running.

So instead of going for the better all the time, stick with the good for a change. This might be the solution for things to work out best.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
(Jewel, Foolish Games)

What goes on inside

A contribution to my understanding of the games people play was recently made in a conversation involving the dynamics of argumentation. I bet you have been in discussions with your friends, when everything seemed to be good up to the point when two or more of the people started an argument – seemingly out of no reason. If you have not followed the discussion closely, it is nearly impossible to make sense of the misunderstanding. Arguments of a logical nature are excluded at first – in the heat of battle, all will react to emotions and in no way to logical explanations. You might find it useful to apply the prosecutor – victim – saviour paradigm to understand such situations. It goes like this (hope I got this one right... :)): somebody plays the “prosecutor” and nags at the self esteem, values or otherwise exerts aggression upon the “victim”. Depending on the way this person reacts to the situation, it might stop or perpetuate. In case the “victim” takes on the role and acts hurt, she or he may be asking for a saviour – somebody to offer comfort from the painful situation. This “saviour” may be embodied in the “prosecutor” or may be an outside part who will then be in conflict with the “prosecutor” - and the roles will yet perpetuate.

The idea in writing about this is there are no fixed ways to deal with a stressful and potentially conflictual relationship. You might understand them in different paradigms – but always choose the one you feel comfortable in. Should the tension exceed limits, try to take some time physically away to clear your thoughts, before making an attempt at solving it or deciding on a more appropriate solution.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
(Jewel, Hands)

Do people deserve second chances?

Think about how many times a day you are forgiving yourself. Is it once, twice, every time you screw up? Sometimes you hear that little voice inside your head saying "be less mean" or "don't eat all that chocolate" or "don't allow yourself to be late any more", but you quickly forget and find an excuse for why you did it this time.

When it comes to others, you think before you forgive, or before considering a second chance. Then, after you allow that person back into your life and are again disappointed, you tend to be grudgy and bury the relationship under doubt. When you do, it is with an inner anger that will not go away unless you manage to appease it. It is hard to give second chances, because you fear being hurt again and again, and because you don't see a point in spending time with people who are not worth it.

My experiences with second chances were sometimes good (that is to say, tha glass is half full :)). They were disappointing in the sense of a diminished feeling of affiliation. Also, there were times when I regretted giving the first chance at all.

Why and how we decide to give second chances (or third, or fourth.. ) is a decision each one of us makes, at some point, for different reasons. We may love, or hate, or have been hurt a little, or maybe a lot, but how we respond to this that really matters. To choose between responding with evil to disappointment, or integrating it into our lives and learning to move on, is difficult. It takes emotional education and strength, and there is no standard recipe as to what will work.

Walking back to you
Is the hardest thing that I can do
That I can do for you
For you
(The Jesus and Mary Chain, Just Like Honey)